Numb
by freiheitfuehlen
Summary: She hated this Seattle rain and yet she couldn’t just walk away either. She was trapped, trapped in this circle of indecisiveness , watching the drizzle run down her windows. This is going to be an Addek story and starts after 3.04. Please read and review
1. Drizzle Races

**Numb**

**Disclaimer: **The usual, don´t own them and don´t sue me.

**A/N:** It´s the first part of an Addek story. This chapter also deals with Maddison, but it´s definitely going to be Addek. I´ve written the story before I´ve watched 3.05, so it starts after the fourth episode.

Big thanks and hugs go to** CCke** for betaing my story and doing that amazingly.

Please read and review. Nothing´s changed, they still make my day.

Bling. 7th floor.   
An elderly couple got off the elevator, probably coming back from breakfast while she was returning home from work.  
Home. A luxurious hotel room with all the necessities one could wish for and still lacking warmth and comfort. A noisy TV that informed her how obviously the whole world seemed to be heading straight forward down the abyss of human kind while the rain was blowing roughly at her room windows. This typical Seattle rain, drizzling, falling down from the sky in soft, little pearls. The kind of rain that though it was soft and almost imperceptible, made you shiver in dislike. Constant indecisiveness. Rain or no rain. Too wet to be dismissed without further notice, too dry to waste a second glance. She hated this Seattle rain and yet she couldn't just walk away either. She was trapped, trapped in this circle of indecisiveness , watching the drizzle run down her windows.

Bling. 16th floor.   
No one got in or off. She was alone in the elevator on a Sunday morning at half past 8, completely surrendered to her thoughts that naturally plagued her after a night like this. It's been 16 weeks since a single signature ended 12 years of believing in forever. It hadn't come as a surprise when she had found the panties, not in the literal meaning of it. Yes, he had asked her to the prom and he had made her believe that he really intended to try. But being in this marriage for so long and the constant self-convincing that it was going to change eventually made her resistible to certain phrases. Their sound just stopped holding any meaning.

She hadn't moved out yet, out of her empty, white hotel room on the 22nd floor. She had never intended to stay there as long as she had, but she had never found the energy to go looking for houses. She´d tried it though, once, two weeks after the divorce had been finalised. She had been standing in that living room with riverside view and that fireplace and it was lovely. It would have been perfect, had she not felt so lost. She hadn't know where she was and how she felt. She hadn't been so confused in a very long time. Everything around her, no matter what, just seemed to start off an inner turmoil the size of Washington. So she had stayed in her plain, white hotel room which's soullessness offered her the opportunity to not face her emotions and keep on swaying through the day on the ground of numbness.

Bling. 21st floor.

She took a deep breath, remembering the night she had found him on that exact same floor, getting onto the elevator. Never once avoiding her gaze, staring back into her emerald eyes - so full of hurt and guilt and self-loathing. She hadn't needed to ask because she'd known him for so long and part of her must have already known what was going to happen when she'd informed him that they were nothing more than co-workers. He was Mark after all. That superficial, arrogant, insanely good looking New York type that never had to put much effort into getting something that he really wanted, even if he didn't want it at all. The one that put incredible amounts of money into the works of a shrink who'd tell him exactly what he'd known deep down all along. That he hated the self-destructive part of him that had fallen in love with his best friend's wife so long ago and had cost him his friendship and the love of his life. And that he hated even more the fact that after everything, after seeing her fall apart piece by piece each passing day after Derek had left, he couldn't bring himself around to regret what happened, to wish for it to have never happened, not even for her sake. He hated that Mark Sloan. And the only way to get rid of that part of him was to reduce his being to only his anatomy. Sex was his emergency exit. The green and white blinking sign that would always save him from himself in times of need. She had known that because after all he'd been her friend for over a decade as well as Derek's and she loved him. She would always love him. But she wasn't sure if she could ever fall in love with him. Some part of her, the part that has seen him break hearts as if it was an act of normality, that has seen him reduce not only himself but also the partners he's been with to the least necessary in order to avoid feeling, couldn´t trust him with her heart. When it came to falling for Mark, Addison was just scared beyond reasonable limits.

Bling. 22nd floor.

Taking another deep breath, she waited for the elevator doors to open before stepping out of it and walking towards her room. Her gaze fixed on the red carpet while she was trying to dismiss her current thoughts. Soon she would enter the walls of denial, would make her way to the mini bar and pour herself some liquor. The burning liquid that would help her fall asleep. She had gotten used to this special aid during these last months and to be honest even before that. For some people alcohol causes a state of being overly emotional where they are forced to reminisce over past mistakes and memories. But fortunately for her the only effect alcohol had on her was to strengthen the numbness and most nights she needed nothing more than that. Tonight was by far no exception.

_She slowly got up from the bottom bunk, searched the room for her clothes and let her eyes wander over her body. She was stunned at how cold one person could get and what a numbness this coldness could cause on a human soul and how insanely the same everything still looked. She wondered if the impact of someone literally stomping on her beating heart would cause her any pain. And she wasn't sure anymore. _

_She didn't have to look back to know that he was looking at her, studying every single movement and encouraging himself to say the words that they both knew were inevitable but impossible to say out loud._

" _What does that mean, Addie? " He asked as if she was in the know of every secret life held. But she didn't. She just didn't know what that meant because she was lost, trapped in the uncertainty of not knowing where to belong._

_She didn't turn around while fastening the last buttons of her blouse. She looked straight ahead, staring at the wooden door, concentrating on not saying the wrong words. Choices, there were always choices, no matter when and no matter where. And right now she had to choose the right words that had to define what she couldn't yet believe had happened. But just like them, her head was a mess, a turmoil of wanting, needing and trying to push away. So she chose to do what seemed right. She turned the lock, opened the door and stepped out of the room without throwing a last glance at the man lying in the bottom bunk, waiting for her answer. She simply had none._

" _I don't know. " She sighed while closing the door behind her._

She spotted him as soon as she had rounded the corner. He was sitting there with outstretched legs and guessing by his appearance he must have done so for quite a while. His clothes were sitting messily on his body and his eyes looked tired. She knew that he had signed out before midnight and even if he had gone to Joe's, what he probably had, he must have been here by 3, the latest. He was leaning against her door,rhythmically breathing and not aware of her presence yet. He was lost in thought. She considered turning around and walking away from him. After this night she wasn't sure she was ready for what was probably about to be discussed.

She decided against it and softly called out his name.

"Mark." She could have made a sarcastic remark or called him on his obsessiveness to be with her, but she knew that it was not the right moment. He looked so defeated as he was sitting there in front of her door and waiting for her to come.

"Addison, where are we?" His was voice smoother than usual from the scotch that had poured down his throat this evening. "I'm here and you're here and somehow you're not, not even close. And I waited. Waited for you to pass it, to see that I was here. But you're just drifting away, shutting down, like after he'd left. And I feel so tired and I'm slowly losing hope and I need to know where we are?" He finished his eyes and voice mirroring the defeat visible in his appearance.

He looked her straight in the eyes, demanding and at the same time unsure of wanting to know the answer. But five months in Seattle, five months of chasing after her, proving her that he loved her and at the same time never pushing her too far, never demanding too much and always respecting the time she needed to deal with her broken self and her failed marriage first, had pushed him to his limits. Limits that he'd never known he had. But then he'd never made much of an effort to deal with his emotions in the first place.

Again she was faced with questions, but this time she knew how to answer them, even if she'd rather not known. She had called him back then because she knew he'd come. It was selfish to want him here to make her feel desired and loved again. It was cruel because she knew he'd come. Because he loved her. And even though she'd tried or intended to do so, she knew that she could not love him back in the way he loved her and that there was a high possibility that would never change. She was selfish because she knew this moment was inevitable, she had just prolonged it to the farthest point possible. Because she knew that this point had come, she walked towards him, slid down next to him and sighed deeply before starting to speak.

" I'm sorry, Mark. And I know that it's not going to help, but I really am. Mostly I'm sorry that I can't love you back in the way you love me. I don't understand it because you're perfect. You always come when I need you and you wait for me when it must kill you. You don't know how much I wish I would be in love with you." Addison looked him in the eyes during the whole time, watching how she crushed the last bit of hope he had that she'd come home that night and tell him that they could have their second chance, the first real one and that she was finally ready to start over again. With him. She knew how it killed him because she'd been in the same situation over a year ago when Derek had confessed his love for another woman, on Christmas. But at the same time Addison had to stop dragging Mark along with her when she didn't even know where she was going. It simply was not fair to him.

" But you aren't and you won't be, will you?" he concluded sadly, barely making eye contact.

She didn't reply. She couldn't. She just took his hand in hers and let their fingers entwine. After a few moments she looked up at him sadly and took all her courage to finalize what had been hanging like a sword above their heads for so long now.

"No," she whispered, almost inaudible, and all the while painfully aware of how this single word broke the heart of a man who'd fought his whole life to not let anyone get so close as to be able to do just that. Addison knew from her own experience that she could do nothing to console him right now, even though she would have done everything to help him get rid of the pain. There were no words that magically took the pain away, no actions that could make you feel better for more than a few hours and not worsen the pain afterwards. There was nothing that was as indescribable or as unlimited as love. But this inability to define was the danger, because if there was no love then there was nothing, just pure nothingness.

They both stared at the white wall in front of them, holding hands and seeing how the rising sun enlightened the depressingly cold hotel floor piece by piece with every passing minute. The irony of this not getting lost on them, that on a day like this, the morning would start of sunny and bright, stealing them the opportunity to let the drizzling rain help wash away their sorrows.

They sat like that for quite a while, none of them saying a single word. But then he averted his eyes from the wall and shifted his weight so that he now sat on his left leg, facing Addison more directly. She was immediately drawn to his actions and turned her face to look at him as well. Their hands were drawn apart by the latest movement and neither of them made the attempt to re-establish the former closure. When he spoke up, he sounded rather pulled together, not as broken as he had been only minutes before. He had gone back to putting up that wall in order to shield him from others. Addison couldn't deny that she was a little bit hurt by that, but she understood.

" I have to go. Work. Bye." He didn't hesitate for too long until he stood up and headed towards the elevator, going faster and faster with every move, only stopping briefly and turning around after Addison had called her goodbye after him. Looking at her he opened his mouth, but didn't seem to be able to say what he meant to say, so he closed it again.

Addison nodded at him understandingly, and with a sad smile he turned around and left.

Addison kept on staring at the closed elevator doors even after he'd long left and was probably already outside the hotel. Addison thought that she was really fucked up because even after these intense moments, after seeing the heart of the one that had been her best friend for the last few years, break by the ultimate confession made by her, she still felt so freaking numb and she suddenly began to fear that would never change.

Slowly she stood up, pressed against these white walls, these freaking white walls which seemed to laugh at her with their endless emptiness. Mocking her about her fate, her inevitable destiny. She slid the card in the lock, opened the door and didn't hesitate to make her way over to the mini bar, holding all she needed right then. Her good old Russian friend, Mr Gorbatschow.

She opened the bottle and let the liquid run down her throat, fill her body and increase the numbness. Repeating that motion over and over again, drowning the voice that had been plaguing her for hours now.

" _I need you, Addie. I just need you now."_


	2. Truth or Dare

**A/N: **Sorry that it took me so long to update. I could tell you lot´s and lot´s of stories why I didn´t, but in the end it´s just been my laziness getting the better of me. So, here it is, the second chapter. Here´s your Addek!

It´s not betaed yet. So if you want to volunteer, go ahead. I´d be grateful.

Truth or Dare

The sun was annoyingly bright this morning. Probably 99 of Seattle´s population were celebrating this certain change of routine with happy dances and loud cheering. Maybe not as enthusiastic as that, but they most likely didn´t mind the warmth and the lack of rain as much as a certain tall redhead who was currently crawled underneath her covers, suffering headaches from a killer hangover and ready to bitch fight anyone who was unpleasently crossing her path today.

Fortunately for her she had half the day off and wasn´t expected back at the hospital until 1. Unfortunately it was already 12 which meant that she was going to be late if she wasn´t able to get her ass up and under the steaming hotness of her shower anytime soon. Unfortunately she wasn´showing any indication of doing so. The alcohol was still numbing her, making her not care in the least if she was going to be on time, looked anything but perfect and most importantly if she had to face certain male surgeons.

Yesterday night hadn´t ended spectacular. She´d opened the bottle, the second one which had been, for her sake, just plain red wine, after she´d spilled a third of her vodka on the floor. Still cursing over the loss, she´d decided to play a little truth or dare with herself since there had been no one else around. Mark had been at work and wouldn´t have been an option, obviously. Callie. Well things with Callie had been a little akward and she really hadn´t wanted to know certain truths. Simple as that. Then there´d been Richard who she´d known was staying at the same hotel. But seriously, Richard and her playing truth or dare? Peverse. He´d been her mentor ever since. He had, unfortunately for him, caught the young Drs Shepherd during their internship more than once making out in on call rooms. That had been terribly embarassing...at first. But still she´d never play truth or dare with him. No matter what you say, this game was the ultimate prelude, leading to passionate sex and juvenile sexcapades during high school and college. Talking about sexual missteps and secret desires would leave no one unaroused. Add the alcohol and all barriers would fall.

At first Addison hat sticked to the safe side of choices, chosing truth. If you were not yet pissed beyond measurement, lying to your own questions wasn´t all that difficult and pretending these lies were the truth was all to easy because it was all too welcome. So she had kept on drinking, sip after sip, one for each passed question. So with time she had started getting really tipsy which had proven dangerous considering she had an ex lover who was in love with her who she loved but wasn´t in love with and who she mostly screwed over. Furthermore she had an ex husband who was indiscribable for her, who was anger and regret, doubt and trust, love and resentment. Who was making her head spin from all this emotional conflict and with whom she had no idea where the hell she was. She was divorced, that was what the papers said. But they were far away from that clarity. They were all messed up and mixed up into each other and the other one´s life. He was in her choice of clothes because he´d always liked the salmon scrubs and her hair hanging loosely and in curls around her shoulders. She was in his daily choice of coffee because she´d converted him to drink it simply black, no sugar and no milk. He was in her choice of music, driving to work to the tunes of the Clash. She was in his choice of books, Dostoevsky and Tolstoy. He was in her morning routine, doing a thousand things while brushing her teeth, simply because she´d liked to snuggle in and snooze a little while longer, although she´d been a morning person for all of her life. They had tried to cut all ties, always in the belief they´d been successful, never once realizing that there were still a million of little threads left unseen.

The more she´d been drinking, the more had the lies been discovered and therefore been replaced by dare. But Addison had been alone in her hotel room, there had been nothing she could have dreaded to do. There had been no forbidden lips to be kissed, no clothes to be shed. The only thing that had meant connection to the outside world, had been her cellphone...

Fuck. Addison had just discovered that her cellphone was lying next to her head, the screen showing her 5 new messages. 2 from Derek, 2 from Mark and one from Alex. The last one caused her to curse even more. She sincerely hoped that she had not said anything embarassing to the cocky and arrogant intern. She remembered clearly having called him last night.

_Slow down with the hard stuff there, Doctor.Won´t help with your plan to castrate half of the world´s population. Take two Asprins and buy yourself some fruit on the way to the hospital. Just in case, I hid all the forks and knifes from the nurses´room. _

Haha, that intern was oh so funny. Addison closed her cellphone with an annoyed sigh and headed for the bathroom. This day was going to be long and hard and probably very embarassing. So the least she could do was to put he mask on and pretend she was okay.

By the time she entered SGH, she wore black sunglasses, a black pencil skirt and a black blouse. She looked very much like the first time she´d walked through these doors over a year ago. And she felt very much like then. She had no idea why she was there, still, and where she was with Derek if anywhere. But she was a master of pretend and so she kept on walking, her heels clicking on the floor, marking her territory.

So far she had not crossed path with anyone she´d had contacted last night. She´d let Alex off her service, for him to pursue his plastics´ ambitions, and so she would probably not meet him today if she was clever enough. Mark would probably try to find her, even though they´d barely spoken since her confession. He´d always been a friend and therefore he would try to make sure she was okay and if not, try to do as much as he could to get her there. But she couldn´t be around him. She couldn´t, because if she was then she would have to tell him why she was drinking herself to sleep. And it wasn´t just that she didn´t want to face the truth, because she knew, but because she couldn´t tell him. She couldn´t tell him that she was still so shook up by the end of her marriage and the weird place her and Derek were stuck in and that she couldn´t seem to let him go. She couldn´t, because it would kill him and still he would try to hold her and console her. And that would remind her why they were in this mess in the first place. And she would start hating him, unreasonable loathing, and becaue it was unfair to him to only blame him, she would start hating herself even more, unlimited self-loathing. And because all of this would take her out of her numb refuge, she would just try her best to avoid his presence at all costs.

And then there was Derek.

She hadn´t read his 2 messages yet. She had called him last night, but had not said anything. Though he´d known it was her. Caller ID. He´d started talking, telling her all the right things. The only thing she´d done had been sighing. He´d had questions, so many and so fundamental ones, and she´d just not had any answers for him.

She passed the nurses station, seeing how one of them smirked at her, turned her head and whispered something inaudible for her to one of the other nurses gathering around the desk. Great, she thought, just more gossip. Oh how I love Seattle and this freaking hospital.

She had no more time to think about SGH´s running gossip mill or her plan to avoid her ex husband during the day, because the moment she turned the door knob and entered her office, she was met with his pearcing blue eyes.

He was leaning against her desk, arms and legs crossed, and he was staring at her. The intensity of the moment was almost too much, therefore she considered turning on her heels and leaving him there alone. But by the time her muscles would have functioned again, he had already closed the distance between them, standing now only mere inches away from her.

" Addie... ", he was asking concerned.

" No. No..." She was shaking her head, breaking eye contact with him. All the determination to be strong today had flown out the window during these last seconds.

" What are you doing here? Why are you here, Derek? Why now? ". She asked all this time staring him straight in the eyes. Her shaking voice betraying the intensity and strenght of her eyes.

Derek didn´t answer right away. He took a deep breath, placed his hands on her arms and didn´t take them away when she was trying to free herself from his hold. He tightened his grip, all the while careful not to hurt her. He needed her to listen and to feel that he meant what he said. He needed her to trust him, to feel safe with him again.

" I´m here because we need to talk. I´m here because we´ve had sex last night and even though I probably should, I don´t regret it. I told you all that last night when you´ve called me. I told you that it meant something to me. And I told you that I lo..."

" No, don´t say it. Don´t say that you love me when you chased that intern for a whole year, while telling me you´re working on our marriage. Don´t say you love me when you fucked her in that exam room during the prom you invited me to. Don´t say you love me when I´m no longer yours. Don´t chase me when I´m trying to move on. "

" Not saying it doesn´t make it any less true, Addie. And you know it, because you feel it, too. "

Derek took one more step toward her, causing her to step back as well. Now she was leaning against the door, with him still holding on to her arms and his warm breath on her skin.

She had to swallow hard because of his proximity, but she finally opened her mouth again and spoke silently.

" How come Derek that sometimes words mean nothing and silence means everything? How come we´ve been silent for so long? "

Again they stared into each other´s eyes. And Addison and Derek did what they always did when they had no answers. Derek leaned into her, letting their lips meet. And although Addison had been hesitant at first, her resolve had crumbled the moment he´d pressed her into himself, gripping her firmly by the waist.

Derek kissed along her jaw and down her neck to the softness of her chest. Addison groaned and sighed out his name what caused him to draw his attention back to her lips. They kissed again, slowly and intensely. Derek moved his hands from her hips and let them wander to the hem of her black blouse. Unbuttoning it slowly, giving him time to caress the newly exposed skin before wandering higher up.

" Derek? " Addison was moaning out his name while he was plastering wet kisses on her stomach.

He moved his lips up and let them hover over her ear and he whispered,

" This is right, Addie. "

**Did you like it? Let me know, even if you didn´t. I love reviews, they make my day.**

**I´ll update sooner, I promise. **


	3. What Lies Beneath

**A/N: **Thank you very much, **CCke**, for betaing my story again. As for the chapter, always keep in mind that the course of true love never did run smooth. With that said, read and review.

Thank you so much for all the great reviews. You made me endlessly happy. Keep it up and I´ll continue to update that fast.

**What Lies Beneath**

Mark was sitting on the bottom bunk in one of the on call rooms of the hospital, back against the cold wall and feet against the margin of the bed. He was ripping small pieces off of the paper bag his sandwich was packed in and crumpling them to small, round balls, throwing them at the opposite wall.

He had spent the last 35 minutes sitting in the exact same position, forcing himself to eat something, but he´d found out that every further attempt would be just as futile as the last dozen had been.

" Trying to get into the NBA, I see. "

Mark didn´t answer for quite a while, he didn´t even look up. There was no need to. He knew that voice, her voice, by heart. Her voice was soft, but not weak and the words run off of her tongue easily, though the emotions behind them betrayed the humorous implications.

" What are you doing, Addison? "

" I just walked into an on call room and there you were, so now Im trying to start off a conversation, easing myself into THE talk. "

" No, Addison, what are you doing? Why are you doing it all over again? Why are you jumping right back into the mess after it took you so long to get out of it? "

" What? " Addison asked , staring at him intensely. He had averted his eyes from the wall and was now holding her gaze. But Addison knew. She knew that he knew and it scared her.

" Don´t do that. Don´t give me that look of innocence. You´re sleeping with him again."

And suddenly Addison regretted not having checked her received messages. Could it be that she had said something to him last night? No, she wouldn´t have. That would have been cruel. She wouldn´t have done that. But then again she had been quite drunk. Maybe she had spilled something unconsciously. But her thoughts were interrupted by his voice.

" You called me last night and you apologized over and over again, for breaking my heart and for all this mess you made. And you were drunk. You said how you wished you could be in love with me and how you wished it was me. You told me that you hoped I´d find her and that when I had found her that she would make me happy, happier than you could ever make me. But you were drunk and I knew. Because no matter how much I´d love you and how much better I´d love you, you would never get out and get utterly sloshed because I´m breaking your heart. I´d get the smiles and sometimes the tears, but Id never get to see the best, the brightest and most genuine smile there is and I´d never see you broken,see you at your lowest. I wouldn´t get the extremes. I wouldn´t get the whole Addison. But you were drunk because of him and then I saw him walking out your office, all giddy and smiling. And I knew. So I´m asking you, what are you doing? "

Addison sighed and lowered her head to look at her feet. She didn´t know what to say because she had no answers for him. Again. She had no idea why she was sleeping with Derek again. She loved him, she always had and probably always would, but she also knew that love wasn´t enough sometimes.

Mark stood up from the bottom bunk and headed towards Addison, not saying anything until he stood an arm length away from her. She hadn´t responded yet and he feared she wouldn´t. So he spoke again.

" He´ll hurt you again. He probably doesn´t want to, but he will. He doesn´t know where and who he is either. He´s just as messed up as the two of us and we´ve brought it upon ourselves. He´ll hurt you again and no matter how much I want to walk away and let everything be, I won´t. I can´t. No matter how much it´ll kill me, I´ll be here to pick up the pieces."

With that said, he placed a kiss on the top of her head, opened the door and left.

+8+8+8+8+

Addison was sitting in the back row of the gallery, watching Derek perform brain surgery. The gallery had already been crowded when she´d walked in, to her relief. It always was. Derek was popular around the hospital. Derek was their McDreamy. That´s why she´d had a pretty rough start around here, flying in as the wicked witch from the east, overtaking the hospital and breaking up Meredith´s relationship. She had been lonely for a long time, with Derek not ready to forgive her and not even trying to hide it, she´d had no one. Then he´d said he´d try and people started warming up to her. But there had been prom night and all its aftermath. The panties on the board, the divorce and Mark. And now she was feeling lonely again, even with Derek attempting to make it up to her.

" I know that he´s a brilliant surgeon, but you´re staring at him as if he was Jesus himself. What are you thinking about? Did he give you crap again? I can´t believe how brainless he can be! Good lord, he´s a neurosurgeon, you´d expect him to be able to use his own brain. "

Of course, she wasn´t completely alone. She was friends with Bailey and newly even with Torres. And she was really glad she had finally found some people who weren´t either male and / or involved in her personal drama. But she hadn´t and couldn´t tell them about the recent changes in her love-life. They wouldn´t understand when even she wasn´t sure what she was doing. They wouldn´t understand because they didn´t know what being ´Addison and Derek´had meant. And that it wasn´t something you could just cut off without severe consequences. There was so much that lay beneath. And for the sake of her, him and all people involved, they would just have to figure a few things out. Either way, cut them apart or tie them together.

" Ahm, nothing special. Just thinking about calling my realtor. I should really move out of the hotel. "

From the looks Bailey sent her, she was sure she hadn´t been very convincing. But fortunately Bailey hadn´t pushed the subject any further. She could be intimidating and pushy at times, honest and straight to the point, but with Addison both her and Callie had learned not push too far, especially lately. Addison had become more secretive with and silent around them. They didn´t know why, but had assumed it had to do with the finalization of the divorce. Therefore they were trying to get her to talk to them again.

" So... what about drinks tonight? Joe´s at 9, I´d say, " Callie asked, looking from Miranda to Addison and back.

" I gotta pass. Tonight´s the first night in days when I´m able to leave early and spend an evening home with Tuck and Tuck Jr. "

" Yeah, okay. Addison, what abou you? "

But Addison didn´t answer Callie. She hadn´t even heard her. She was focused on Derek and lost in her thoughts. Only when Callie repeatedly called out her name and poked her lightly, did she notice.

" What? Sorry I spaced out. "

" Just thinking about hitting Joe´s tonight, to grab some drinks. You´re in? "

" Yeah, sure," Addison said as she stood up and headed for the door. Derek had just finished and was now leaving the OR to scrub out.

Neither of them had time to ask her where she was going or what caused her sudden change in demeanor. They just stared at her leaving figure in confusion.

+8+8+8+8+

The moment she opened the door, his eyes were fixed on her. He was smiling lightly at her while washing his hands.

" Hey. Were you watching? I couldn´t see you, " he said, a little disappointed.

" I was. I was just sitting in the back row. You did great. "

She wasn´t moving toward him, leaning against the door in need of stability and encouragement. She was watching him, drying off his hands and trashing his scrub cap. Neither of them spoke. But Derek felt her eyes on him and decided to move closer while making eye contact. They stared at each other intenesely for a few moments.

" So, you´re free tonight? " Derek asked, his gaze fixed on her lips, resisting the urge to kiss her, though.

Addison shifted uncomfortably under Derek´s intense gaze and the proximity. He was getting closer and closer and Addison felt her determination to talk about them fade with every inch. She sighed deeply, smelling his cologne and closed her eyes, to bundle up all her courage. She wanted him, more than anything else right now. She ached for his touch, for the feel of his lips on hers, for his hands to hold her firmly. But she also needed some answers, affirmations or just security that she wasn´t chasing a dead horse.

" We´re Addison and Derek, " Addison sighed out. Softly and almost inaudible. And if on cue Derek moved even closer, putting his hands on her hips.

" Yes, we are, " Derek exhaled. Now only mere inches away from her lips. He leaned forward to brush his lips over hers, but Addison turned her head.

" Addie? " Derek asked curiously.

" But you said we weren´t anymore. In New York you said that we weren´t Addison and Derek anymore. "

Her head still turned to the side. Addison was staring into the now empty OR. Her voice weak and her eyes glassy.

Derek put one hand on her chin and turned her head so that she was now facing him, looking him into his eyes.

" I was in shock. I had just seen you with my best friend, his hands all over you when you were supposed to be only mine. When I said that, I was hurt and angry and I wanted to make you feel the same. "

" And when I told you that we wouldn´t make if you left, you walked out the door. You just left and gave up on us, " Addison said bitterly.

" Addie? " Derek questioned while pulling her closer, tightening his grip around her, " What´s this all about? "

" It´s about us. It´s about what we are doing. We are divorced and yet we´re not able to let each other go, to move on properly. It´s about our indecisiveness. We are together when we are supposed to be apart and we couldn´t make it work when we were committed. "

With that Addison´s barriers broke. She started trembling and tears were running down her cheeks. Derek looked at her helplessly and pulled her toward him. He embraced her tightly, put one hand on the small of her back, rubbing it soothingly, while he placed the other one on the back of her head.

" Addie, I don´t know why we are who we are and why we seem to catapult each other into such a mess all the time. But I know that I love you,"

Addison sobbed even harder at that declaration and burried her face deeper in the crook of his neck.

" And I want to be with you, want to try and make it work with you. "

" That´s the problem, Derek. When you say that, I´m not sure I believe you anymore. "

**hides from flying objects**

**You´ll get it, the happy Addek, I mean. Just give it time. Stick with me and my story. The next chapter is already in the writing.**

**Next time: The Shepherds at Joe´s.**

**Now, REVIEW!!!**


	4. In Vino Veritas

**A/N: **As always, thank you very much **CCke** for taking the time and betaing my story.

Thank you so much for the great reviews again and for not throwing things at me. The last chapter has been pretty angsty and therefore may not have been liked that much. Though I heart angst, actually. I also heart Addek way too much for my own sanity and still find myself not caring in the least about possible consequences.

Special note for **Mrs.Scott323**: It´s yogurt ice cream with cherry sauce and strawberries, please.

Done with the pointless rambling. Read and review!

**In Vino Veritas**

Joe's was very crowded and smokey tonight. It was a Friday, people were in the mood to socialize with other people or meeting up with rather silent friends like Jack or Jim. Either way, they were coming in or heading out, leaving their very own scent of guilt, happiness, desperation or sadness.

A man was sitting in a niche at the far end of the bar. He was the perfect mixture of all these emotions. Overlooking the door and counter, Derek Shepherd was sipping his scotch. Carefully and slowly he let the alcohol run down his throat and burn every inch on its way down. He needed the liquid to hurt until its numbing effect set in.

_That's the problem, Derek. When you say that, I'm not sure I believe you anymore._

Playing with the glass in his hands, he sighed deeply and lowered his head to look at the wooden table. It was marked by fire imprints and scratches. Just like he was. Like he'd always been, ever since he'd told her that he loved her for the very first time.

" _I got an A, Derek. Best in class. Look I'm best! "_

_She was beaming with pride. She was smiling so brightly and her eyes were full of joy. She was waving the paper with the fat A scribbled on it, in front of his face. _

_Derek Shepherd was competitive and always had been competitive. Ever since High School and Molly Freeman, with her straight A reports, had he wanted to be best. And he had been most of the times. But then he had met Addison Montgomery during his first year at med school and he knew he'd have to work harder, a lot actually, to keep up with the bright, intelligent and witty redhead. He'd faced the competition and accepted it willingly. After all there was nothing that could scare Derek Shepherd away. At first they were equally successful, sometimes she did better and sometimes he did better. Other times that weird looking guy from the first row kicked all their asses. Bastard. But with time his victories got rarer and rarer while Addison kept on getting top of class grades. To his surprise he didn't even care about it that much anymore. After all he'd started dating the enemy 3 months and 8 days ago. And suddenly studying wasn't the best free time activity anymore. He'd rather spent time with her, making out on her dorm bed and kissing every inch of her beautiful body. Or just lie on the grass, under one of these big oak trees in the university garden, and recite The Clash songs. Argue about the best songs and the meaning of certain lyrics while holding hands and staring up into the sky. No Derek Shepherd had noticed that his priorities had shifted and what scared him the most wasn't to not be top of class anymore, but rather knowing why._

" _Congrats, babe. See I told you that you'd do fantastic again, " Derek said while smiling at her._

" _Yes, of course, you did. But you're not really objective about this. I mean, you're sleeping with me, you have to say stuff like that, " Addison reasoned while brushing her lips to his._

" _Indeed I do sleep with you and I'm glad that's the case, but that does not hinder me from noticing what smart pants you are. "_

_At the last statement she was sticking out her tongue and poking him lightly._

" _Especially not since that's one of the reasons I love you."_

_It was the first time either one of them had said these three words. But surprisingly neither of them freaked out because of the depths of the confession. She just looked up at him, smiling even brighter and her eyes were sparkling even more than before. She leaned into him and kissed him again. Slowly and intensely. Savoring the moment. She didn't need to repeat the words, she said all she needed to with this one kiss and the promise of many more to come._

" Hey, Shepherd, about the Chief. I just wanted to let you know that in case Webber decides to retire and the position's up between the two of us, I'm not going to fight dirtily again. We've come so far and you've saved my life, if you get it, I'm fine."

Derek was startled by a voice. He remembered where he was and who he was with. He'd met Burke in the attending locker room and had asked Burke to accompany him here at Joe's.

" Where have you been with your thoughts? " Burke had asked Derek while following the other men's gaze.

At a table next to the counter was a group of interns, including Meredith Grey. They seemed to be caught in a heated conversation. On the table were many bottles of beer and some empty shot glasses. Neither of them seemed to have noticed the two attendings.

" She told me that she couldn't trust me anymore. No, actually she said she wasn't sure she believed me saying that I wanted to be with her anymore," Derek said more to himself than to Burke.

" Meredith? Sorry, Shepherd, but can you really blame her? You came here and started things with her while hiding that you were married. And when your wife showed up and both of them demanded a choice, you chose your wife. To be honest, and I can be since we're not really friends and I'm not and won't be sleeping with you," he laughed lightly at that, " I would have trust issues with you, too."

Derek hadn't really listened. He was too focused on the woman who's words were replaying over and over in his head. Like a never ending merry-go-round ride. He'd just overheard _wife_, _sleeping with_ and _trust issues_.

" After being married for over 11 years and being together even longer, she tells me that she couldn't trust me anymore. What the hell am I supposed to do to prove to her that I mean it, that I want it? " Derek questioned desperately, never taking his eyes off of Addison.

" Wait! Married? You're talking about Addison? " Burke asked in confusion.

He turned his head to the left and was now able to see her, sitting at the counter. She was with Dr Torres. He swore to himself that she hadn't been there only minutes before. She was saying something to Torres while playing with the glass in her hand. It looked like she was drinking something stronger, too. And from the way she looked, Burke was pretty sure that she was just as distracted and lost in thought as Shepherd had been and partly still was.

" Yeah, sure. Who do you think I was talking about? " He looked at Burke quizzically.

" Grey for example. Especially since you recently divorced Addison. I thought that was over. How come it's not and what the hell is going on here? "

Burke noticed that the former Mrs Shepherd had seen them sitting in the niche and glanced over now from time to time. He wasn't sure what was going on, but there certainly was something not quite right and he was about to find out. He would.

" That's the thing with Addison. You think there's a clear cut. You put the ring on her finger and she's yours, your wife. Forever. And then you walk in on her and your best friend. You think you're over. Forever. Then she shows up with the divorce papers, not signed, and she tells you that she still loves you. And you think you're on again, that you're going for forever again. But ever since Seattle, everything's a blur. All the choices are interwoven, every result is the outcome of an other choice you made. It's a mess. But yet you think that you're over because you've become adulterous, too. Nothing's easy, but you're okay. It was your choice and you think you're right until she reminds you. Not that she wants to or intends to. It's the little things. Like how she's never stopped watching your surgeries, how she's still signing out as Dr Shepherd or how she's accidentally still buying two coffees sometimes. "

Derek broke eye contact with Addison quickly, to look up at Burke as if he'd realized that he was really talking to Burke about his wife and failed marriage and how he was not over it yet. Even if he didn't want to anymore, now he'd revealed so much of his inner turmoil, that it would seem ridiculous to stop anyway. He settled his eyes back on Addison and continued.

" It's insane because so much has happened and some things seem damaged beyond repair. But you start to miss her. You miss her so much that it literally aches you. Then you happen and you can't believe it. You start hoping again because you're right and you tell her that you're right. You feel good and relieved because the two of you are trying and are on your way back. "

Derek stopped for a moment, looking intensely at the woman on the opposite end of the bar. Burke just stared at him, barely comprehending what had just been said. Shaking his head, Burke brought the bottle of beer to his mouth and took a sip.

" And then she tells you that when you say that you love her and want to be with her, that she wasn't sure she believed you anymore. So tell me, Preston, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to prove to the woman that I've been loving for the past 15 years, that she's the one I want to be with? "

Right in that moment Addison excused herself, laid some money on the counter, grabbed her coat and headed for the door. Derek didn't hesitate for a second. He said goodbye to Burke, thanked him for his company and left the bar as well, following Addison out into the night.

+8+8+8+8+

" Do you think there's a good reason Montgomery just sprinted out of the bar and Shepherd did practically the same thing? " George asked the group of interns.

All of them turned their heads to look at Meredith who was oblivious to the stares at first.

" Why are you all looking at me? How am I supposed to know that? I am NOT with Derek. I don't know, " Meredith said a little too bitterly.

" You did sleep with Shepherd at the prom, but you're not with him? " Christina asked unbelieving.

" No."

" He divorced his wife. He's free now and you're still not with him? "

" Hell, no, Christina! Stop asking!"

" Hey, Callie, what was with Dr Montgomery? She run as if her life depended on it, " George asked.

" I have no idea. Guess it had to do with Shepherd. I saw him sitting in one of the niches with Burke. "

At the mention of Shepherd, Callie nodded lightly toward Meredith. What caused her to gasp before speaking again.

" Not everything that goes wrong in their lives is my fault! " Meredith tried to defend herself.

" What was that about? " Callie asked George in a whisper.

" She just said she was not with Shepherd."

" She's not? "

" No, I'm not! And don't whisper! I'm here. I can hear you. "

" She's not, " Callie repeated while turning her head toward the door.

+8+8+8+8+

" Addison."

But she didn't respond, she just kept on walking. Addison wrapped her arms around herself to protect her body from the cold.

" Addie, please stop. I need to talk to you, " as he said that, he caught up with her and spun her around.

" Derek? " Her voice was pleading, her lips trembling and her eyes mirroring all the sadness she felt.

"No, Addie. You have to give me a chance."

But he was interrupted by Addison.

" You had your chance. We had our chance. More than one. And we couldn't use them. And now all we have left, all we got to do, is admit it and move on. "

"But I can't just move on. And I don't want to either. I love you and I want to be with you. I don't know yet how to prove to you that I do, but I will. All you need to do is give me a chance to prove it to you."

He put both his hands on her upper arms and stared into her eyes before speaking again, pleading with her.

" Just give me that chance. Will you? "

She looked at him, insecurity in her eyes. She was torn apart. On the one hand she wanted nothing more than to say yes and throw herself at him, kiss him fiercely and make love to him all night, because she missed him so much. On the other hand she was so fragile that she feared she wouldn't survive one more false hope, one more blown chance.

" Yes, " she whispered.

He pulled her toward him, hugged her tightly and kissed the side of her head as she spoke again.

" I can't promise anything , Derek, " she said softly, almost inaudible.

" I know, " he said as he lowered his mouth to her ear to speak, " I'm not going to make you regret it. I'm not going to hurt you again. "

She hoped, for both of their sakes, that he was right.

**So, Burke knows. But to be fair, he barely had a chance not to. And Callie suspects. **

**More soon. Review!**


	5. All I Need

**Inge´s Note: **I know you´re just as busy as I am at the moment, so thank you very much for correcting my mistakes and never giving up the fight about correct punctuation.

**Author´s Note: **I´m really sorry for the delay, but my life´s a madhouse at the moment. I´m spending most of my freetime learning and that says a lot about the situation since I´m a very lazy student, if not THE laziest. Anyway, here´s the chapter. Enjoy! And don´t forget to review. It might convince me not to study so much. lol

**All I Need**

Addison was slowly waking up to the sound of another person´s breath on her neck and to the feeling of a muscular arm draped over her upper body. The confusion about where she was and who she was with lasted for just a few seconds and then she remembered everything. That she was lying in a hotel bed, still, and that it was Derek´s arm that was slung protectively around her from behind. Addison´s breath became agitated and she wasn´t sure it was right that he was there anymore. She started questioning her judgement. Sure when you are tipsy and emotional, everything seems so much simpler and trusting someone was a lot easier. But now she had sobered up, the numbness was gone and the reality of who she was now, Addison Forbes Montgomery, was hitting her like a piece of wood covered in nails. Forcing his words into her mind.

_But I can´t just move on. Our marriage is over. I love you and I want to be with you. She wasn´t revenge. It wasn´t a fling. I fell in love with her and that´s not going to change because I decided to stay with you. I´m not going to make you regret it. I´m not going to hurt you again._

Controversy. Indecisiveness. Confusion.Why couldn't love be simpler, less complex? Why was there always at least one more locked door after you had just opened one? Why were there always so many questions whose lacking answers were planting doubt and mistrust? Why couldn't they just have lived happily ever after like in the fairytales her grandma had always read to her?

She loved Derek Shepherd with all of her heart and that scared her. After all they had gone through and the pain they had caused each other, she still loved him no less than when she had said _I do_. She loved him differently because they both had changed. And so their love for each other had changed. They hadn´t realized it at first and almost lost everything in the process. And now, as he had said, they were trying to fix what had gotten broken during these last years. But Addison wasn´t scared of letting him in, she was scared because she had realized that she´d never let him out, that he was still all over her, all inside of her.

She was interrupted in her thoughts when she felt Derek´s lips on her neck and his arm tightening around her, pulling her into him even more. He was kissing her neck and up her jaw line. Whispering breathily into her ear.

" Good morning, gorgeous. "

Addison was shivering now and leaned her head against his shoulder. Her breath was becoming more and more agitated as she felt herself getting aroused by his words and touch. His hands roamed over her stomach and he let his thumb slip under the waistband of her silky panties. Addison gaped at that and a breathy moan escaped her mouth.

" No, " Addison whispered. The increasing sensation of his touch made it hard for her to form coherent sentences.

" What? " Derek asked but stopped caressing her inner tigh.

Addison took a moment in order to calm down, then she turned around to face Derek.

" We can´t have sex, " she said while looking him straight in the eyes.

" What? Why? " His hand now gripping her waist firmly, holding her close.

" Whenever we are that close, you kiss me or touch me like you just did, I can´t think. It makes me want you so badly that I lose the ability to think about anything else but you hands and lips."

" But isn´t that a good thing? " he questioned, smirking at her and raising his eyebrow.

" Derek, " she sighed. Both of them were silent for a few seconds. They just looked at each other, content with what they had and never forgetting to remind themselves that there was still a pretty long way to go.

" It´s not about not wanting it, not wanting you. We can´t have sex because we need to figure some other things out before we make love again. We´re still physically attracted to each other, that´s always been like that and won´t change anytime soon, but we need to sort a few other things out first. Other parts of Derek and Addison. Okay? "

She looked at him expectantly. He nodded his head. He didn´t quite like the outcome of this conversation, but he understood where she came from and if it helped them to fix things, then he would try his best to keep his hands off of her.

She kissed him lightly on the lips before pulling away and heading for the shower.

" One more kiss? "

He looked at her pleadingly. She just laughed at his puppy eyes before she spoke again.

" Seeing as we´ll probably show no restraint with the ´no sex´ resolution, rather not. No. "

" I guess, no showering together then." He sighed and searched the room for the remote.

This was going to be hard for Derek Shepherd, very hard. He hoped for his sanity and the health of his patients that they were fast in resolving their issues.

+8+8+8+8+

Addison was walking down a corridor when an arm pulled her into an exam room.

" Hey, " she exclaimed angrily, not looking up at the owner of the arm yet. And as she finally did, she was even more astonished. In front of her was Callie, her arms crossed over her chest and she was looking at her in a weird way, like Addison had just pulled her into this room instead of the other way around. She looked pissed off. What the hell was wrong with her?

" What the hell was that, Callie? " Addison questioned, locking eyes with the other woman.

" You know, I would have come in here on my own if you had just asked, " Addison spit out sarcastically.

" Shut up! " Callied replied.

" What? What is going on with you? "

" With me? " Callie asked in disbelief. " Seriously? What the hell is wrong with _you._ I thought we were friends? "

" We are. "

" Aha. But _friends _tell each other what is going on in their lives."

_Oh God, she couldn´t. No, how should she?_

" You obviously don´t. And then, what the hell are you doing? Again, why again? "

_She did, didn´t she?_

" You´re seeing Shepherd again, don´t you?"

_She did!_

" And you haven´t told me about it. No, you sit around all silent and depressed, making us wonder what the hell is going on with you and how we could help you get over the jerk that is your exhusband. But all the time you´re just mulling over how to keep it a secret from us because you knew we´d tell you off for being with him again. God, Addison. Did you forget how poorly he treated you? Did you forget how it crushed you to find the panties and when he asked you for a divorce? "

" No, " Addison said silently.

" Then why? " Callie aked curiously, taking in Addison appearance and how it had changed in such a short time. When she had been pulled in, she had been angry and agitated and now she seemed so lost and sad again.

" Because, Callie." She made a step toward Callie and continued to speak.

"There is no reason for this, no explanation other than I love him. There is no reason behind a love like this, so unreasonable that it exceeds all limits of pain as well as happiness. The day I said I do, I meant it with every fiber of my being. I promised to love and cherish him for the rest of my life. But to be honest, it´s not and never was about the vows. It´s about the enough. We have hurt each other so deeply that some of the scars will never fade. But even so I´ve felt so much pain caused by him. How often have I asked myself how much more of all this would break me? Asked myself when the point would come where I had to accept that enough was eough? It never came. Because when you love someone unconditionally and truly, you realize that enough will never be enough. "

As she concluded her little speech, Addison was almost in tears. She was trembling and her voice was shaking. She had meant everything she said and that only scared her more. No matter how much she would try to cut Derek out of her life the repercussion would only prove to her that is was nor would be possible.

Callie closed the distance between them and took a crying Addison in her arms. No matter if she liked it or not, she would be there to support her friend and her decision. Addison would need her.

+8+8+8+8+

" Hey, " Derek greeted Addison while entering the scrub room. She was leaning over the sink, washing her hands. She looked up at him and smiled lightly.

" Hi. "

Derek walked toward her and helped her tie the strings of her scrub cap. She took his eyes off of him and averted her gaze toward the OR. It was going to be a big day. Her patient, Mia Roberts, was undergoing surgery with her and Burke. She was 35 weeks pregnant, but her heart wasn´t pumping enough blood out off and into her heart anymore. So they had to get the baby out with an emergency c-section and operate on her heart afterwards, in order to save both of their lives.

Derek started rubbing both of her upper arms with the palms of his hands to calm her down. He knew how hard it was on her and how, even if she shouldn´t have, she had bonded with the single mother. She had no one. The father had left her and both of her parents had already passed away. No siblings. And because she had come to Seattle to be treated by the famous Dr Montgomery Shepherd, there were no friends to get her through this rough time.

" You´re going to get her through this. You´re the best, you can get her through this. "

Derek placed a kiss on the top of her head before she left for the OR.

+8+8+8+8+

He had come here as soon as he had heard about it. He had heard from George and had passed Callie on the way who had seemed a little hostile. He didn´t really care about her mood, though. There was another place he needed to be right now. And as soon as he had opened the door to the attendings´ locker room he had heard her sobbing. She was in the shower room. But Derek didn´t hesitate for just as second. He needed to get to her and she needed him to be there, no matter if her pride might argue.

He pushed open the door and walked fastly toward Addison. As soon as the door had swung open, Addison had locked eyes with him and her sobbing had increased even more. He hugged her tightly, now standing beneath the stream of water. His clothes were soaking wet after just a few seconds, but Derek didn´t care. He was holding his ex wife in his arms, caressing her back soothingly and planting kisses on the side of her head.

Mia had died and the baby was now an orphan with no one in the world to take care of. The little boy, who was healthy and stable, didn´t even have a name. In moments like that the job and the daily injustice you had to witness as surgeon would catch up with Addison and she would lose it. In the early years of their marriage Derek would have hold her just like he was doing now, but it had stopped with time. Everything had and so she cried a little bit for the loss of these times as well as the death of her friend.

Derek was now planting kisses on her forehead and pressing her naked body into his. Addison´s hands wandered under the hem of his scrub top and roamed over his stomach and breast, settling on his back and pushing him into her as well as Derek had done just moments before. Derek to her face in his hands and looked her straight in the eyes before he opened his mouth to speak.

" You´re sure about it? "

Addison only nodded and captured his lips with hers while trying to get him out of his scrub top and pants. She needed him so much right now that she didn´t care about her ´no sex´rule. She felt him smile against her lips before he broke contact and started kissing her neck and shoulder.

+8+8+8+8+

Addison entered her office a while later. Derek had to go into surgery after they had been together and she had promised him to wait for him. So she was now planing on going over some patients´ charts and maybe call the social service if she felt like it, just not now.

Addison saw a cup and a brown bag lying on her desk. Tea and cookie dough ice cream. Derek remembered and that made her smile. It had been her mourning ritual back in NY. No one had ever understood how one could drink hot tea while eating cold ice cream. It was the difference she had always defended her choice. The opposites. Like life and death.

Pinned to the brown bag was a post-it:

_Irrationality is the first step towards wisdom!_

_Love, Derek_

**I promise it won´t take as long as it did for me to update again. Until then, I hope you liked it and will leave me a review.**


	6. My Magic House of Cards

**A/N: **First, I want to thank **Inge**, as always, because she´s so great for beta-ing my story. You rock!

Then I want to thank all of my fabulous reviewers. Your reviews make me update faster, so keep them coming.

Watch out for the little Christmas special at the end. And now, have fun with the chapter!

**My Magic House of Cards**

Addison was leaning over the incubator in the NICU, one hand inside of it and softly caressing the little boy's belly. It broke her heart to see him sleeping so peacefully, not knowing the tragedy that had taken place only hours before and that had changed his life, or the prospect of what it could have been, forever. He was a fighter, though. He had pulled through all complications like a champion. His heartbeat was strong and his grip on her pinkie was firm. She just wished she could have done more for him, could do more for him. But for now all she could do, was giving this boy a name. Unfortunately Addison didn't know how Mia wanted her son to be named since they hadn't talked about it. Well they had in some way, but Mia always said that she didn't want to know until after the birth and that she would decide then. A name was something so important to her that she wanted it to mean something. She wanted to look into her child's eyes and know it, just know what fits perfectly.

" Hey, little man, " Addison said while caressing his head and earning a yawn in return. He opened his eyes and stared at Addison. Her heart broke a little more for him.

" So what do you think about finding the perfect name for you ? That's good with you? I really wish things were different and that your mommy was here to fill out this birth certificate, " she sighed before continuing, " But do you think we could do it on ourselves, too. You and me, champ? Any suggestions? If, it better not be something absurdly modern, like naming you after a fruit. As long as I'm the one in power and to make that perfectly clear, I am, we're going to find something appropriate."

Addison heard a knock on the door of the NICU and turned her head to see who was coming in.

" Hello, Dr Stevens, " Addison greeted the younger Doctor. Although Izzie had made it perfectly clear that she didn't want to intern under Addison anymore after the quints´ case, she found the young blonde up here a lot. Izzie had potential in this certain field and obviously the dedication and compassion it needed. It was a pity she was just as stubborn as , if not more, Addison had been years ago. Addie just wished Izzie would get over it any time soon and start specializing in her field.

" Hi, Dr Montgomery, " Izzie smiled at her former mentor and walked closer to the incubator Addison was standing at. " That's the Roberts´ boy, isn't he? "

Addison nodded slightly before taking her eyes off of Izzie and back on the infant, " Yes, he is. Quite a fighter that little man. "

Izzie bent over the glass a little more to see the boy's face and put one hand on the side of the incubator.

" What's his name? " Izzie asked curiously.

" He doesn't have one yet, that's why I'm here. Mia didn't tell me. Said she didn't know and now we got to name him. What do you think he looks like?" Addison asked, but more to herself as to the intern.

" As you've already said, he strikes me as the one that doesn't give up easily, a true fighter, so he needs a strong and powerful name. Maybe something historical or biblical? Lucas? "

" Nah...yeah, not sure. No, I guess, not quite, " Addison said while staring down at the baby, contemplating the name a little more.

" Hey, you want to help us out a little. What do you think, you're a little Luke? " The baby just kept on staring at Addison, " I guess, you're not much of a help or was that a no? "

Addison moved her hands back on his belly and started rubbing it softly, earning little noises of pleasure.

" Yeah, you like that, don't you? "

" You got it, you know, that little bit more it takes to not just be an excellent doctor, but to be a great mother as well. I'm sorry if it's too private, but have you never thought about kids? " Izzie asked, unsure of the response of the older woman.

" You know, I thought about it lately a lot too and I must admit that I did. We both did. But when we were younger, it didn't seem right. We were both so head over heels invested in what we were doing and planning to become, that I felt like a baby was at that time too big a sacrifice to make for me. And later...later we just weren't in a place to bring someone new - someone innocent - into the world anymore. We were both working ¾ of the day, seven days a week and we barely saw each other. Sometimes I wish it would have been different and I would have not been so selfish at the time, but then I always come to think or wonder if things had been different would we have had kids..." Addison stopped at that point and averted her eyes from the baby and looked at Izzie who stared at her, clearly taken aback by the redhead's honesty.

" And do you think it would have? "

" I don't know. But I do know that I shouldn't think like that. You shouldn't have kids to fix what's wrong because you might start loving them for wrong reason and end up resenting them if things didn't turn out like planned."

" You don't seem like that person to me, Dr Montgomery, " Izzie confessed honestly.

" I don't seem like a lot to me either. Still I wake up sometimes and scare myself to death by realizing who I've become. "

There was silence filling the room. Neither of the two women had to add anything to what had just been said and instead focused on the little boy again.

" All that talk, champ, and we're still not any further, huh? Let´s see..." Addison thought for a few moments before speaking again, " I may have something. What do you guys think about Matthew? Matthew Elijah? "

" Aww, I like that a lot. I think it's perfect."

Addison rubbed the baby's belly again as she spoke, " Matthew Elijah Roberts it is then. " And she wrote the name down, making it official.

+8+8+8+8+

" Hello, Mrs Schwartzer, I'm Dr Shepherd, " Derek said while shaking the woman's hand.

" Hello, Dr Shepherd, this is my husband Eric," the clearly nervous patient said while pointing at the man next to her.

" Hello, Doctor." The man made two steps toward Derek to shake his hand as well as his wife just had.

" Hello. So Lydia, we're going to make some tests. CT and blood tests to see how much the tumor has grown so far and if it is influencing any other parts besides the brain. Here are papers you need to sign in order for us to proceed any further on your treatment."

Derek handed the papers over and gave the couple some time to read through them. He wanted to have all questions answered before he started treating her. Experience had shown that clarity had always made the patients feel more at ease and therefore more willing to cooperate.

" So here's something I need to know. Is it important for my treatment if I'm pregnant or not because we just found out two days ago? I´m 8 weeks along. I got a card from my OB/Gyn in case you need it, it´s in my purse over there on the table."

" Well, no major changes. We´ll just skip the CT and do an MRI instead. I´ll have our head of Neonatology paged and she´ll be here soon to talk to you about possible risks and how to proceed with the pregnancy. Hey don´t worry, she´s the best there is, " Derek tried to calm the woman who had seemed to become more and more nervous at the words risk and proceed.

" Where´s my intern for the day anyway? " Derek looked around and decided to go have her paged himself and headed for the nurses´ station.

" Hey, Debbie, could you please page Dr Shepherd. I need her on a consult in room 208. Thanks."

Derek was about to turn around and walk back to the room he had just left moments ago when he realized that Debbie was looking at him rather oddly.

" What? "

" Nothing. So, Dr Shepherd room 208, right? "

" Yeah, right. Just like I said."

He turned around and started walking down the corridor shaking his head when he saw two of Bailey´s interns walking towards him.

" Hey, Dr Grey, Dr O´Malley, who's assigned to me today? "

" That would be us, " Meredith said, obvioulsy not amused about the fact that she had to work with her ex-boyfriend or -lover, whatever.

" You're late. Anyway, follow me. "

He lead them into the patient's room and waited for Addison to show up.

" You had me paged? " he heard Addison say after a few minutes and turned around to look at her smiling slightly. They hadn't seen each other since the shower incident. He had been paged into the ER and had to operate on an emergency patient and after he'd been done with the surgery, he´d tried to find her, just to realize that now she had been paged away. He'd contemplated waiting for her, but exhaustion had gotten the better of him and knowing that she wouldn't approve if he had waited all night for her, just to be dying from tiredness in the morning, he'd headed home after having left her a message and inviting her to join him as soon as she was done. She'd never shown, though. He guessed it had taken longer than normal or some other emergency had come up, but made a mental note to ask her and buy her breakfast as soon as they were done here.

" Yes. This is Lydia Schwartzer, 32, 8 weeks pregnant, hypophysial tumor. I'm planning on removing it later today or the latest tomorrow. I need you to check up on the baby and give me the good to go, " Derek said while putting one of his hands on her back and making a gesture to introduce both women to each other, " Lydia, this is Dr..."

But he was interrupted by Addison, " Dr Montgomery. Nice to meet you, Lydia. Don't worry, we'll take good care of your child. I'm going to run some tests, but as far as the baby is concerned I'm pretty sure, there won't be any complications."

" Thank you, Doctor." Lydia breathed out a sigh of relief.

Both doctors started for the door not realizing that they were observed by George and Meredith, for no other reason than that Derek still had his hand on the small of Addison back and was now chatting away with her, obviously flirting. As soon as they were out the door, George turned towards Meredith and asked, " What the hell was that? "

" I have no freakin´ idea, " Meredith said, it sounding more like a grunt rather than actual words.

" Are Dr Shepherd and Dr Montgomery...not be nosey?" Lydia asked directing the question at the two stunned Interns.

" If I didn't know better I'd almost say yes. What's happening? Are we on TV? Some sick joke?" Meredith asked, clearly shocked. Derek hadn't just ignored her lately, apparently he had become friendly with his ex-wife again. She felt like history was repeating itself and by God did she not like the latest developments, if they were what it seemed they were. She swallowed hard and walked out the door, leaving George behind to deal with the patient. Right now she needed Tequila, but since that was a no go option, she had to find a place to scream, very loudly. The roof.

+8+8+8+8+

" So, how about I buy you something to eat. You must be starving and I´m off for the morning. "

" Well, actually I've got a patient and have to run some tests because some cocky neurosurgeon needs my precious two cents on the case, " she said mocking him.

" How about I talk to this very charming and apparently smart doctor about doing these tests later and you'll have breakfast with me instead? "

He leaned into her, considering to kiss her, but then he remembered that they were in the hospital, a public place with a gossip mill from hell, and he decided against it. Brushing his thumb over her cheek instead and earning a genuine smile in return.

" I'd like that. "

A few minutes later they were sitting at a table in the cafeteria, eating chocolate chip and banana muffins and sipping on their coffees, black as always.

" You're free tonight? I want to take you out somewhere fancy. "

Derek gave her that McDreamy smile that turned every woman on the planet into a stuttering lunatic.

" Actually I have a date tonight," she knew she was teasing him with her choice of words but couldn't help but enjoy the change in his face as he heard her say the word ´date´, "With my realtor, Derek. I got a date with my real estate guy." She laughed at him mockingly.

" God woman, don't tease like that! "

" Hey, but what's with that real estate anyway? Why don't you just move back in with me? "

" You've got to be kidding me?" Addison looked at him oddly, " You're not, aren't you? Come on, Derek. I'm certainly not moving back into the trailer. Did you think I was kidding when I told you that I hated the trailer? Because I do, I really hate that rusty tin. "

" Hey! It's not a rusty tin. And come on, we had some very..., " Derek said while raising his eyebrows, " intense hours in there. You couldn't deny that, could you? "

" Maybe, but you've also been there with Meredith. I want a new beginning with you, Derek, a fresh start and that requires new living arrangements, at least for me. You did it, too. You drove across the entire country to get a way from me. And you bought that trailer and changed your clothing. You started new and I wanted to be a part of that novelty because just like now I wanted to start fresh, without the baggage. I know that we can't erase the past, but I just need that, I really do, Derek." She looked at him pleadingly, hoping that he'd understand.

" Okay. "

" Okay? "

" Yes, if that's what you want, I'll be okay with it. "

" Good. "

With that she placed her hand over his and squeezed it lightly, all the while smiling at him. She had a feeling that no matter how messed up they had been only weeks ago and how many issues had yet to be addressed, they would get through them. Simply because now she wasn't alone anymore, there was someone else willing to make compromises for the sake of their marriage.

+8+8+8+8+

Meredith opened the door to the roof, took a few fast steps outside and screamed with all she had in her. Sometimes it was all that was left to make you feel better and to deal with the emotional aggressions building inside of you and making it hard to breath.

" If that isn't my favorite dirty mistress, " Mark said who had also come to the roof and was now sitting about 5 feet away from her standing position. He was giving her his McSteamy face while winking her over to him.

" God, is there no place in this God damn hospital where one can enjoy one minute of being alone. And if you think I'm talking to you, then you're wrong, so very wrong. " Meredith was not showing any signs of moving towards him or going back inside.

" What? Can't a woman have a precious moment of a healing outburst? Stop staring at me and for God's sake, stop smirking or better LEAVE, " she said the last words while pointing to the open door.

" What's gotten into you? " But Mark already knew. Of course he did. The answers to the problems involving women in this hospital were in 9 out of 10 cases either him or Derek. He knew that he wasn't the source of Meredith's bad mood and he knew that Derek and Addison were back on, so …_here we go…Derek. _Sometimes he really hated that man and sometimes he couldn't believe they'd been friends, best friends.

" Oh. "

" Oh? So you knew? Probably everyone knew, except me, that the Shepherds were getting it on again, AGAIN! He said he loved me, he said he'd been in love with me forever. I chose him. There'd been Finn who had plans and then he had to come back and mess with my mind and now he´s gone again. And I? What's with me? "

Meredith was fighting back the tears now. She wasn´t crying. Not over him and not in front of Mark. She would just stand here, breath and maybe scream a little more.

" Meredith..., " Mark sighed.

" No, I´m NOT talking to you. It's all your fault. You slept with her and then Derek came to Seattle and everything started. If he hadn´t come, then I wouldn´t be so heartbroken. Maybe I still wouldn´t have liked who I was, but it wouldn´t have killed me because I hadn´t known any better. Now I do and that´s the problem, Mark, because now not being with him is killing me. "

" Mer..., " he tried again.

" No. No. No, " she said shaking her head, " I don't want to be rational right now. All I want to do is act a little 13 and maybe say things that we adults have been taught not to say out of decency. I want to hate Derek and Addison AND YOU. You, because you couldn't keep her in fucking New York and then she showed up like Isabella freaking Rossellini stealing away my McLife. And most of all, I just want to scream it all out loud. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! "

" You´re feeling better now? " Marked asked after she had calmed down again.

" I´m supposed to."

" I get you, Meredith. You may not think so, but I do. Sometimes I just want to scream, too. Scream out loud and ask why the hell she couldn´t love me. All these years I hoped she would feel about me how I feel about her because I was always so sure that I could love her better and never make her feel unwanted or unloved. I swore that to myself. But I came to realize that no matter how often you think it´s the end and how much they hurt each other, they´ll always bounce back to each other like they had been glued to the other one right from the start. "

Mark stood up and walked towards the door, but stopped shortly before he entered the threshold and turned around, " Somtimes it feels like the end of a movie, though the credits won´t roll and you wait and wait, " he sighed one more time, " They won´t come. "

Mark turned around and walked away.

**Okay, so now Debbie suspects (oh the gossip) and Meredith knows. Well it had to come out someday. **

**The Christmas special: I thought, even though I hate Christmas, I´d give something to my loyal readers/reviewers. If you want something to happen, like fluffy Addek or let´s say Mark/Derek interaction, just write it in your review and I´ll try to put it in one of the next chapters.**

**I hope I´ll be able to update till or during the holidays, if not, merry Christmas.**


	7. Chocolate

**A/N:** Sorry. I´m a bit late with the update. I don´t have good enough reasons for the delay, therefore I don´t bother naming any.

I´m not sure I like it that much, but I have a stalker who made me update. Hope you like it and please leave me a review.

Thank you very much, **Inge**. It wouldn´t be what it is if you didn´t help me the way you do. Thanks.

**Chocolate**

"Wow, look at that!" Addison exclaimed happily.

"What?" Derek asked curiously as he walked into the bedroom.

"It´s a closet. A real one. A big one where all my clothes fit in. And look over there are boards for my shoes. I can have all of them shipped here from New York. The black Prada pumps. Oh how I miss them. Only last week I bought a dress that would go perfectly with the black Prada´s."

Addison was giddy and joyous like a little girl who had been given her very first Barbie doll. Derek only watched her in amazement, enjoying her excitement. They had gone looking for apartments all day. So far none had been perfect, they had all been okay, some better and homier than others, but none of them had been THE apartment which Addison was willing to take. Addison was picky, always had been and considering this was a permanent living arrangement it had to be nothing but perfect.

The apartment they were looking at right now, was near the hospital which was a definite plus seeing as Addison was an OB/Gyn and had to get up at ungodly hours if need be and had to deliver babies. The apartment was big, though not so big that it made you feel lonely and small. The kitchen was big enough to use it, but not so big as to steal away space for other things, more important things, especially since neither Derek nor Addison were such greats cooks or had that much time left due to their schedules for preparing fancy meals. The living room was sunny and comfortable. These were the first two words that would get to your mind while looking at the room. One side of the room was made of glass, leading to the balcony. Out on the balcony you had a look over the Pudget Sound and the ferries coming in and leaving downtown again. The apartment was still furnished, but Addison had already told the realtor that if she took the apartment, she´d get new stuff. Starting brand new meant getting rid of all the reminders of the past and purposely making new memories. Buying new furniture was just the beginning with a promise for more.

Derek and Addison were standing in the bedroom now. Well to be correct, only Derek was. Addison was dancing and squealing in the walk in closet, overly joyed by the advantages of closets half the size of the whole bedroom.

"So I guess we have a winner then," Derek smirked while waiting for Addison to exit the closet.

"Oh Derek," she said while sticking her head out of the extra room, "You're here?"

"Ah, well...yes." He looked at her in confusion. Hadn't she just talked to him?

"Just thought you were still in the other room aka my future office. This is perfect. I love this apartment. I love the view from the living room and I lovelovelove this closet. Sorry Derek, but I think I have to dump you."

She looked at him pitifully before shrugging her shoulders and sticking her head back into the closet.

"So closet trumps hu...," he stopped himself when he realized what he had been about to say. They were doing good, actually they were doing really good, but they were still wounded from war and he wasn´t sure addressing stuff like that on such a happy day was a smart decision. He knew that they had to openly and honestly talk about the past sometime soon, just maybe not now or tomorrow. "Lover. Seriously? Let´s have look what´s so special about this closet that you seriously consider dismissing my service."

As he walked into the closet he was wrapping his arms around Addison´s waist from behind and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. Laying his head on Addison´s left shoulder he observed the room.

"Let´s see… there are the boards for your shoes and several other boards for the black tops, the brown tops and the dark green tops." For every section of the closet he mentioned he popped open one of the buttons on her blouse. Addie didn´t notice what Derek was doing to her clothing because she was still very focused on all the advantages of her new closet. She just loved all of her clothing and realizing that soon she wouldn´t have to make many compromises when it came to her precious shoe collection made her beaming with joy.

"Not to forget the board for the red and white tops." While saying that Derek undid two more buttons and was no roaming her flat stomach with his hands and planting several wet kisses on her neck and shoulder.

"Heyyy, what are you doing? Playing dirty, hu," Addison smirked but was interrupted by Derek´s hand which was moving dangerously close to the waistband of her underwear and earned a low moan in return.

"Seems like it´s working, though," Derek said and turned her around to kiss her on the lips and bring her closer. He walked her slowly to the end of the closet and pushed her against the wall and pressed himself even further onto her body.

"When did you say the realtor was coming back?" Derek asked while planting kisses on her chest and slowly moving down to her right breast.

"Duh..uh."

"That´s what I thought," Derek said while Addison was bringing his head up with her hands in his hair. Smirking at her, he pulled her in for kiss, long and deep.

Guess I´m winning, buddy, he thought.

+8+8+8+8+

Mark was sitting at Joe´s, again. It had been a slow day. A few weeks ago, there had been a huge fire in some town near Seattle with lots of patients and cases, but now things had gone quiet again. It was silent in the morning, during noon and in the evening. And this deadly silence was deafening him. So after his shift he had decided to hit Joe´s, have some liquor and may find a girl to spend the night with.

"Double malt single Scotch, Joe."

Mark groaned loudly, not turning his head to greet the person ordering and who´s apparently just sat down next to him. He´d rather endure more hours of the no-patients-no-work kind of silence instead of this awkward we-used-to-be-best-friends-until-you-slept-with-my-wife kind of silence. Lately karma´s been definitely not on Mark´s side that was for sure.

"Drowning your sorrows in alcohol, you should know better than that."

"Shut up, Shepherd," Mark said, still refusing to look at Derek.

"A sore loser, I see." Derek was trying to push Mark´s buttons. They had been best friends since kindergarten. They had grown up together and during puberty their relationship had become a lot more competitive. They had fought over grades, sports and girls. With Addison it had been different because Derek showed genuine interest in her right away. Mark hadn´t, well he´d thought she was hot, but he hadn´t been feeling for her like Derek had. Not back then and not for a long time after that. Derek felt betrayed by Mark, angry and hurt, but really mostly disappointed and betrayed.

"But losing something means you at least had it at some point. I never had her, Derek. I never had her heart. I knew I was mostly just a substitute for you. She was lonely and I was there to take care of her. She needed to be loved and I could give her that because I did, I did love her. She wanted to feel desired and I gave her that feeling because...God Derek how could you just stop seeing her? She´s Addison. She´s your Addie."

At that he looked up and Derek straight in the eyes. And what he saw was a lost Derek, a hurt, angry and very emotional Derek. But mostly just a Derek that was lost for words and that didn´t know or was just too scared to find out.

"I don´t get it either," Mark said silently while taking a sip of his Scotch.

"But how did we get here, Mark?"

"You mean, how did you bastard end up fucking my wife when I was your freaking best friend?" Mark paused for a moment before he continued, "Before we met Addison we had been MarkandDerek, inseparable and and a walking disaster guarantee. Afterwards it became AddisonandDerek+Mark more and more. But seriously that was okay for me. I was happy for the two of you. But you started treating her like shit and instead of kicking your ass and making you change, I came when she called me and brought ice cream when she cried. After a while it was MarkandAddison+Derek more often than the other way around. I could lie and say that I didn´t enjoy it, enjoy being adressed as her husband at banquets and not correct it. I think that´s around the time I fell in love with her. When I saw her lying on the ground, low on everything: self-esteem, confidence and strength. She wasn´t your Addie anymore. She was...I don´t know...so different."

Mark sighed loudly, took a sip of his beer and stared at the wall in front of his face.

"I didn´t fell in love with your wife, I fell in love with the woman you created, the Addison you created."

"Why did you stay with her after I left?" Derek asked silently, "You said you knew that she was in love with me all the time, how could you have stayed with her then?"

They were finally being honest with each other and now that they had started there was no turning back. Questions had to be asked and answers to be given for the sake of the friendship they´d had, for the years they had spent together.

"Because I thought it was enough." Mark paused again for a moment. This was a tough subject. Admitting it to himself or Meredith was a lot easier than admitting it to Derek or Addison. He took another sip of his drink and said, "I thought that if I loved her enough and showed her that I always would and never make her feel lonely and unwanted, that just maybe it was going to be enough in the end. Enough for her to stay."

"But she didn´t."

"No, she didn´t. It´s like chocolate. If you had never tried it, you wouldn´t have known how good it is. But once you have, it´s barely possible to never eat it again. You could try to convince yourself that it was gross and unhealthy and it would maybe work as long as it wasn´t right in front of you. But once it is and you see it and smell it, there´s no way out. You´re trapped and you´ll eat it."

"So basically Addie and I are chocolate?" Derek asked raising his glass.

"Addison and you are chocolate." Mark raised his glass as well and they clinked them.

"To chocolate," Mark said softly, looking Derek straight in the eyes. Derek only nodded his head, but smiled at his former best friend.

Before he could say something, his pager went off. Looking down on it, he recognized the number immediately.

"It´s Addie, I gotta go," Derek said while pointing towards the door. He wanted to pay his liquor but Mark wouldn´t let him.

"It´s on me tonight."

"Thanks."

"Shepherd?" Mark continued speaking when he knew he had Derek´s undevided attention, "She´s my friend, no actually she´s my best friend, you hurt her again and I kill you."

Derek smiled lightly at Mark´s words, realizing how much Addison must really mean to him. He could be glad Addison had someone like him in her life who supported her unconditionally.

**Did you like it? Let me know, even if it´s just to tell me that I suck for updating so late.**


	8. Over My Head

**A/N**: There´s really not much to say. Read and review. Oh and please don´t throw things at me or well do so if it makes you feel better.

Merci beaucoup, **Inge**.

**- When I found out on November 9th, the day the Berlin Wall fell 15 years ago, the only thing that fell on that day was I. -**

My aunt and my hero. I love her.

**Over My Head**

Derek Shepherd was awoken by the barely audible rustling of sheets falling down to the ground and hurried footsteps. Slowly he reached for the person on the other side of the bed, trying to bring her closer when it registered that the footsteps he´d heard belonged to no one else but his woman. He opened his eyes and turned his head to the side, trying to figure out where she might have gone.

Derek´s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of vomiting coming from the bathroom. Quickly he got out of bed, walked over to the bathroom door and opened it. He knelt down behind Addison, holding her hair back and caressed her back soothingly.

"Hey...shhh," Derek whispered in her ear. Addison started sobbing and breathing unsteadily.

"You need to calm down, Addie. Okay?" Derek saw her nodding slightly at his words and in fact her sobbing decreased and her breathing rhythm steadied again.

"You´re feeling better? Good enough to move back to bed?" Derek asked her, concern evident in his voice.

She nodded again and Derek lifted her up in his arms before starting to walk back to the bed. Normally Addison wouldn't have let him carry her but she would have argued with all she had to get him to let her down. But now she was just too weak to fight, therefore she put her hands around his neck and let him carry her back to bed and let him lay her down on the mattress. He sat beside her on the edge of the bed and stroke her hair with his right hand.

"Hey, babe, what´s going on?" Derek asked her without taking his eyes off of her even once.

"I don´t know. It feels like someone´s playing darts with my inner organs." Addison laughed softly at her analogy, though her pained expression betrayed the ease in her statement.

Derek put a strand of her hair behind her ear before he spoke softly, "Okay, how about I´m making you some tea and you call Richard to let him know you won´t come in today. And babe? You won´t." Addison opened her mouth to argue, but Derek silenced her with his hand, laughing lightly.

"Go away!" she told him in mock hurt, averting his eyes from him.

She was still holding his left hand with her right one when he stood up to head into the kitchen. The contact was only broken by the growing distance between them. As soon as he left she called out to him again.

"Yeah," he said while turning around to look at her.

"Come back," Addison said sweetly, stretching and opening her arms for him to lay down.

"Woman, you´ll be my early death," Derek said while making his way over to the bed.

Addison had to laugh hard at that, but her laugher turned into coughs. Wincing in pain she put both her hands on either side of Derek´s face.

"Kiss me," she demanded in a weak and needy voice.

"Okay, Addie, don´t get me wrong. I´d really love to kiss you," he said, the latter while raising an eyebrow, "But I´m fairly certain Richard would not approve of us both being home sick."

"Ha, excuses!" Addison said in exasperation.

"Yeah, maybe there´s a little part of me who doesn´t want to get sick. What´s wrong with that?" Derek lifted his hand in defence.

"You just don´t love me," Addison said pouting.

"Don´t be ridiculous!"

"And now I´m being ridiculous?!" They both glared at each other.

"I better get going before anyone says anything that he or she might regret," Derek said while standing up. But before he turned around to walk out of the bedroom, he knelt down on the bed once more, took her face in his hands and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

"I love you," he breathed.

+8+8+8+8+

"Hey little man," Derek greeted the infant lying in one of the incubators, "You don´t know me. I´m Derek and I´m supposed to give you something."

Derek placed a musical clock on the top of the incubator and pulled on the string. The soft and rhythmical melody filled the room. It was now comfortable and a lot warmer than the sterile walls and furniture had made it before.

"It´s from Addison, the redhead doctor. Actually she wanted to give it to you herself, but she´s not feeling well today, so you must stick with me, buddy. I know that´s not nearly as good as having her company, but I´ll do my best, champ."

Derek was silent for a few more minutes, he just listened to the melody and enjoyed the moment. A surgeon's life was stressful and it didn´t happen often that he was given time to sit down and reminisce. He was brought back to reality by the end of the song. He looked at the boy once more, put his hand into the incubator and let Matthew hold his pinkie.

"You know man, I´m really sorry about everything. I know that´s not helping. How could it? I just hope you´ll make it anyway, that you´ll grow up to be a great man and that you´ll find happiness. It´s tough right now, but you just need to fight, for Addie and for yourself. But if you don´t give up, if you keep looking for it, you´ll find it. And if you´ll have found it, you have to promise me to take care of it. It´s fragile like glass and once it´s broken it´s hard to fix."

"Hmm," Meredith cleared her throat in order to make her presence known.

Derek turned around to find out who the intruder was. He paled at the side of Meredith leaning against the doorframe.

"Oh hey Mer...Dr Grey," Derek greeted her uncertainly. They hadn´t spoken for a while, actually they hadn´t spoken since everything with Addison started. He hadn´t known what to say. He knew that he owed her the truth. He´d brought her into this by not telling her about Addison in the first place and afterwards by not letting her move on.

"Ah sorry, what?" Derek had been carried away by his thoughts and hadn´t heard what Meredith had said.

"Where´s Dr Montgomery? I´m assigned to her today." Meredith averted his eyes from him. She was still hurting and being in the same room as he was, was not helping her keeping her emotions at bay.

"She´s not coming in today. The flu. You should find Bailey and have her assign you to someone else," Derek answered gently.

Meredith nodded her head lightly before turning around. She stopped halfway though speaking softly, "You promise me that´s it´s it now? The end? Because I can´t have you chase me anymore. If you go back to her again, then I need this to be over, once and for all. I need you to let me move on." Speaking it out loud was hard on her and fighting back the tears seemed futile, but she needed him to draw the finale line if that was what he wanted.

"Meredith..." Derek´s voice was soft and sympathetic.

"I can´t, Derek. I can´t talk about it yet. I will be okay someday and I will need to talk about it with you, but for now I just need you to tell me."

"I´m sorry, Meredith."

"It´s her." Her voice weak and filled with emotions.

"Yes," Derek said simply, looking at his feet. He never dealt well with crying women. There was this certain hero complex he had that would make him want to hug her and sooth her. But right in that moment it would have done more harm than good. They needed this clear cut.

"You should have told me earlier." Her voice wasn't accusing, just sad.

"I should have a lot of things."

Meredith nodded once again. "You should play the music once more, it was beautiful."

And with that she left the room.

+8+8+8+8+

As Derek walked into the door he was carrying bags of food. He´d gotten a call early this morning from Addison who had informed him that he needed to get some food on his way home.

"Hey Addie, I´m home," he called out happily.

No one replied. He thought she might be sleeping, therefore he went into the kitchen. He placed the bags on the counter. That´s when he saw her. She was sitting on the couch in the living room. She was pale, staring emotionless at the opposite wall and holding the phone in her hands.

He called out her name again, but she didn´t react. Her behavior scared him and he hurried over to where she was sitting. He knelt down in front of her and laced his hands in her lap.

"Addie, what´s going on? What´s happened?" His voice mirrored his emotional state.

Only then did she seem to take notice of his presence. She lowered her head to look at him, but didn´t speak.

"Addie, talk to me," his voice grew more agitated.

"I´m ill," she said simply, showing no emotions.

"Yeah, I know, but it´s just the flu. You´ll get through this and you´ll be fine." He tried to reassure her. Why was that bothering her so much? She´d had the flu before.

"No, Derek." Her voice still distant as if it wasn´t her who was speaking.

"I may have cancer."

**I have plans. Trust me. I´ve already written most of the next chapter because I´m aware that I can´t have you wait too long with such a cliff-hanger.**

**Now, review please.**


	9. Only Time

**A/N: **In case you thought I may have joked with last chapter´s cliffhanger, let me tell you that I didn´t. The angst is back and will probably stay for a while.

The chapter is kinda short because I´ve been sick the last couple of days. (Yeah, karma´s a bitch sometimes.) Read and review. Eleven reviews on the last chapter was awesome, guys! Thank you so much.Thanks a lot to **Raven**(vinh), too, who beta-ed this chapter.

Have a great time in England, **Inge.**

**Only Time**

"Cancer? But how...why?" Derek asked almost inaudibly.

They had been sitting on the couch in silence for almost an hour. What´s there to say during a moment like that? What´s there to say that would take away even the tiniest bit of irony? It´s like you´ve been running a marathon and ¾ along the way you unexpectently fall to the ground.

"I was showering. That´s when I felt it. A lump in my right breast," She said neutrally. She was so calm and put together, as if it wasn´t all as dramtic and life altering as it seemed to be. He felt anger rise within him in response to her apparent lack of emotions.

"You haven´t seen a doctor yet? How do you know it´s cancer then?"

"I´m a doctor, too. And a woman." She paused before continuing, "besides I never said it was cancer. I said it _might be._"

Derek didn´t reply, he just kept staring ahead unable to look at her and not imagine the worst.

"Immediately after I´d felt it, I called my gynecologist here in Seattle and made an appointment for tomorrow.He´s going to examine the suspected tissue. I should get my results in a few days. If it´s cancer Ill fly back to New York. I already talked to Neil about it. I´ll have surgery and start chemotherapy as soon as I´m there."

"Why didn´t you call me? I should have known. You should have called me. Everything´s already planned. I should have been part of this."

Addison turned her head to look at him and with her right hand cupped his cheek.

"You had surgeries all day. You had to stay focused," she reasoned, "you wouldn´t have been able to operate..."

"But I would have been here with you," he interrupted her.

"You couldn´t have done anything. Your patients needed you more at that moment."

"What´s that supposed to mean? That you don´t need me?" He looked shocked by her latest statement, even though logically he knew it wasn´t meant to come across that, but it did. It hurt him to think she wouldn´t need him, especially on a day like that when everything seemed to crumble.

That´s when she broke down. That was when she finally let go of all the built up emotions and just started to cry. Her whole body shook from the sobs when she put her head in her hands. Derek wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. She cried heartbrokenly against his chest while he soothingly caressed her back. Tears were welling up in his eyes, but he needed to be strong for Addie. They´d get through this no matter what they had to face. They were Derek and Addison. They´d fight the cancer with all they had. Derek was sure of that or that he was at least determined enough to hold on to Addison as long as he could.

"I´m scared. I´m so scared, Derek," Addison managed to choke out between sobs.

"That´s normal, babe. But I´m here and we´ll make it through this," he reassured her. His voice not as strong and convincing as he would have liked it to be.

I´m scared, too, he thought.

+8+8+8+8+

Addison and Derek were lying in bed together, on their sides facing each other. Derek let his left hand wander over Addison´s body before he let it settle between her shoulders and head so that he could massage the muscles there. He was trying to ease the tension in her body. And the room. It was so quiet.

Addison was caressing Derek´s cheek with her right hand, her fingers lightly brushing over his lips every once in a while. He kissed her fingers softly whenever they came into range.

If it hadn´t been for the intense gaze they were sharing, no one would have guessed that this was anything but a loving couple spending a lazy day happily in bed together.

"Did you tell someone? Your mom?" Derek asked quietly while brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

Addison shook her head, but didn´t speak. She hadn´t spoken since she´d confessed her fears to him. He´d just held her in his arms for a while, trying to get her to calm down. After she´d stopped sobbing, he´d carried her to bed. And that´s where they´d been for the last hour and a half. Lying silently next to each other as they tried to understand what this meant to her, to them.

"I think I won´t," she said quietly, "not just yet, anyway. I´ll wait untill I have the results. If I called her now, she´d just worry too much and I can´t have her do that. Not now. I´ll wait and tell her when I know for sure, one way or another. "

Derek could only nod at the logic behind her words. After all she was right. There was no need to get more people involved because at the moment there wasn´t much anyone could do, but wait and hope.

"You need to call Richard, though. He needs to know."

She was pulling him closer to her, tangling her legs with his and tilting his head so that she could brush her lips over his.

"I know. I just don´t know what to say," she was whispering. Her breath hot on his face.

"Are you going to take me to the coast tomorrow?" She asked him hopefully.

They hadn´t talked about him spending the upcoming days with her instead of going to work. Things had changed between them, but there were moments when she was still insecure about him and about them.

"Yes, I will," he smiled reassuringly at her.

"Good," she breathed out before kissing him softly on the lips.

+8+8+8+8+

Derek woke up to the sound of running water. Slowly, he opened his eyes and sleepily reached out to the other side of the bed. The warmth of the person who´d been lying there only minutes before was slowly fading. Derek yawned as he noticed that the sun was starting to rise, enlightening the room.

Stretching Derek saw that Addison had already gotten up and was taking a shower, he slowly rose to his feet and walked towards the bathroom door. Opening the door he saw her clothes lying on the floor. He shrugged out of his shirt and sweatpants before getting into the shower as well. Just as the water started to run down his body he embraced Addison from behind, pulling her close to him and laying his head on her right shoulder. Their hands entwined on her stomach, Derek inhaled the scent of her shampoo and placed a tender kiss behind her ear before he whispered,"Show me."

She took his right hand with her own and settled them both over her right breast. Slowly, she searched for the part where she´d felt the lump this morning. She stopped when she found it and pressed his hand a little harder into her breast.

She knew that he´d found it when his arms tightened around her. Breathing unsteadily he pressedseveral soft kisses to the side of her forehead.

**That´s it for now. Next chapter we´ll be going to see a doctor with Addie and spend an awesome day at the coast.**

**Now, review or I may keep up with the mean cliffhangers. ;)**


	10. October

**A/N:** **Four weeks, I know and I am really, really sorry. I did, though, try and write, but honestly the last 3 attempts were REALLY bad and that´s why I didn´t update in a while. Now I´m done with this one and I decided to post it, mostly because I disliked it less than the others.**

**I don´t own Grey´s(If I did, writers would not go against physical laws and people drowning in ice cold water for THAT long would not be revived.) or the Notebook(you´ll see). The title is Rosie Thomas´ October.**

**Read and leave me a review, please.**

**October**

Derek pushed auburn strands out of Addison´s face. The wind blew her hair in every direction, Addison didn´t seem to mind though. Head held high, she breathed in deeply as she looked out at the ocean. Her back was pressed against his chest, her legs crossed and his arms were circling her body. They sat like this for a while.

"It´s beautiful," Addison said quietly.

"Yeah, it is," Derek replied, kissing the top of her head softly and rubbing his arms up and down her arms.

He brought her closer to his chest, tightening his arms around her and inhaling the scent of the salty sea.

Addison drew little circles in the sand with her pinkie and ring finger, leaning her head against his right shoulder, she breathed, "thank you, Derek."

"For what?" He asked, entwining his right hand with hers and stilling her movements.

"For bringing me here. Just...thank you."

"You´re welcome. Where else...," he was interrupted by her lips on his own.

+8+8+8+8+

_Hard plastic chairs. White walls. Advertisement with fake smiles and lame slogans that they´ve both heard over and over again, reminding them to take care of their health. At that moment they were simply ugly and ironic reminders of her situation._

_She´d never been ignorant towards the subject. She´d seen her aunt suffer from it because it had been diagnosed too late and she had been there to see her aunt become weaker and weaker with every passing day. She´d remembered saying I love you that last time as she held her aunt´s hand and said goodbye._

_She´d never ignored the issue. She´d always remembered. _

_And now it was standing in front of her, taking physical form in all these advertisements, laughing at her and her naivty, her faith in the happily ever after._

_She might have cancer._

"_Addison Montgomery?" A blonde, skinny nurse called her._

_Derek and Addison both stood up and walked silently towards the door the nurse had just entered, hands entwined and walking close together._

_James Philips, MD._

_+8+8+8+8+_

The sun´s heat was lulling Addison to sleep as she lay on top of Derek, her heart beating in synch with his, their hands entwined and her head resting on his collarbone.

"I never want to get up," Addison sighed, "this is just too comfortable."

Derek laughed, letting his hands wander over her back and making small circles, "it´s because you´re on top."

"Oww," Derek said as Addison pinched his right shoulder.

"Serves you right," Addison said in mock hurt.

"I´m getting hungry."

"We´ve just had lunch, Addie?"

"So? I´m hungry again," Addison pouted.

"So?" Derek echoed.

"Get me something to eat," Addie demanded, as she started to kiss a path up his neck.

Derek flipped them over, so that he was now on top of her. He attacked her lips and pinned her hands to the sand above her head.

"Mmmh..."

Derek looked her in the eyes. Smirking, he asked, "so? Still want food?

Addison bit down on her lip, trying to look as seductive as possible. It worked. He leaned in and kissed her passionately. Addison trailed a path of kisses from his lips to his ear and whispered, "yes."

Derek groaned.

+8+8+8+8+

"_Hello, Addison," Dr. Philips greeted her, shaking her hand and laying the other on her shoulder._

"_Hi," she greeted back. Her smile uneasy and her voice weaker than she wanted it to be. She averted her eyes, looking around his office. Everything was still the same. The last time she had been here was a few months ago. She had forgotten to take her birth control and was late. _

_There was still only one window, framed with yellow curtains. You could look over the Pudget Sound. It wasn´t far from her hotel. Actually, on a sunny day one might even be able to see it. She leaned her head a little more towards the glass, searching the Seattle skyline for the tall, grey building that had meant home for the last couple of months._

"_Addison," Dr. Philips voice interrupted her thoughts, "Addison?"_

"_Oh, what?" Addison asked in confusion. She was still lost in thought. Her hotel room. The last couple of months. The baby she could have had with Derek. The baby she had been relieved had never been more than a possibility, invisibly hanging above their heads. She could have been six months pregnant by now. She wouldn´t have been. She was still torn. It wouldn´t have been right then. They were on shaky ground. Though these last months had made her realize that she probably would never feel ready for children. That´s not supposed to mean she couldn´t or shouldn´t have children. Sometimes you just need to jump, not fearing to learn by doing and to make mistakes._

_Dr. Philips turned his head, extending his hand to Derek, "James Philips,..."_

"_Derek Shepherd," Derek answered, shaking the other doctor´s hand._

"_Oh, sorry, I forgot to introduce you two," Addison said quietly._

"_It´s okay," Derek said softly, laying his hand on the small of her back and pulling her closer to him._

"_Maybe we should sit..."_

_Derek led her to the nearest chair and sat down beside her, never once letting go of her hand._

_Dr.Philips started talking to them about her options for possible treatment in case the suspected tissue was indeed cancer. At the same time he was also trying to make clear that even though they were preparing for the worst it didn´t mean the suspected tissue was in fact cancer, it could just be a cyst._

_Addison knew all that. She was an OB/Gyn after all, one of the country´s renowned surgeons. She knew the probabilities, the diagnosis, the treatment. She knew that he knew that she knew the statistics and treatment options available to her._

_As the dotcor´s words ran through her mind again Addison became aware of her surroundings again. She realized that she was back sitting on the ground on the 22nd floor, just staring at the white wall in front of her. Her back was leaning against the wall and her hands pressed down against the red carpet next to her. She knew the probabilities. Yes she did, but she couldn´t shake the feeling that she was karma´s least favourite person._

_Addison sighed an closed her eyes._

_+8+8+8+8+_

When Derek returned with a brown bag in his right and two cans of coke in his left hand, he saw Addison standing near the water and just looking out onto the sea. He walked towards her and when he was close enough for her to hear him called out her name, "Addie?"

He smiled at her when she looked to see who called her.

"What are you doing?" he asked as he closed the remaining distance between them.

"Looking at them," Addison pointed at the sea-gulls, smiling at him.

Derek smiled more brightly, moving closer and wrapping his arm around her to bring her closer. He placed a kiss on her forhead and handed her one of the sandwiches.

"Do you think, in another life time, I could have been a bird?" Addison asked moving closer to him so that she could place a kiss on his lips, "thank you."

"What do you mean?" Derek said contently, averting his eyes from her and looking out over the sea.

"Like reincarnation," she smirked.

"I don´t know."

"I think I could have been," Addison said before biting into her sandwich.

"If you were a bird, what would I do? Why would you stay with me if you could own the world?"

Addison turned in his arms, so that she was facing him. She put a hand on either side of his face and brought his face down so that she could look him in the eyes.

"If I were a bird, you´d be a bird, too." With that said she placed a lingering kiss on his lips. Letting the bag and cans fall to the ground, Derek gripped her butt and heaved her into his arms.

"I am a bird," he said in between kisses.

+8+8+8+8+

_Addison was hurting, a lot. Her breasts were squeezed together tightly and from all angles. Her eyes brimming with tears, she pressed her lips together and thought about the day ahead of her. She´d drive to the coast with Derek. They´d spend a day together at the beach, like they had done so often. Years ago. In the Hamptons. A groan left her mouths and the nurse tried to speak with her, but Addison was gone._

_They had already taken blood from her, she had done an MRI and a bone scan._

_Finally the machine had stopped and the pain lessened. The nurse said something about being able to go now. Slowly Addison put on her bra and blouse and made her way over to the door. Before she turned the handle, she wiped away the tracks the tears had made down her cheeks. She didn´t want Derek to see her like this, she just wanted for this day to be perfect. Like it used to be._

_She opened the door and exited the room. She felt nauseaous and weak. Slowly she walked over to Derek and let him take her in his arms. _

_She sighed. _

_He was there._

+8+8+8+8+

Derek was in the kitchen, preparing two cups of cocoa and making popcorn. They´d decided to have a lazy evening after such an exhausting day and just stay home to watch a movie, _Love Actaully._ Even though Derek wasn´t one of the biggest romance fans, he had to admit that it was by far one of the better romantic movies that he would admit to seeing.

When he entered the living room, he saw Addison sitting on the couch and holding the phone in her hands. Staring down at it, she seemed so lost in thought that she hadn´t even noticed that he was watching her.

She hadn´t mentioned the appointment all day and he hadn´t wanted to push her. But he´d also seen how pale and distant she had been in Dr. Philips´office and when she´d exited the exam room. She´d seemed so fragile and scared that had given Derek such an intense moment of clarity that tears had prickled in his eyes. He had embraced her, hugging her tightly to his chest, reassuring her that whatever happened, he´d be there.

He made his way to the couch and sat down beside her, watching her hesitantly play with the buttons of the phone. Finally, she dialed a number and put the phone to her ear.

After a few moments, she spoke quietly, "Hey, Richard. It´s me. Addison."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer as she took a deep breath before continuing her conversation with Richard.

**I kind of know what´s happening next. Key word being kind of. I also know how many chapters are left and what the last two lines will be. **

**Now, review. I can´t even say review and I´ll update sooner because the response to my last chapter was again awesome. Do review, though!**


	11. You And Me

**A/N: Took me a while again. Sorry. Though, I can tell you that there won´t be any more delays because this is the end. Originally, I planned to split this into two chapters and have a very mean last cliffhanger. I decided against it as you can see and rewrote the chapter. When I started writing Numb I wasn´t sure I´d even finish it. I had never written a multi chapter fanfiction before. So now, no matter what the outcome and your finale feedback will be like, I am mighty proud of myself for finishing it. That doesn´t mean I won´t love you for reviewing one last time, because I will. Very much.**

**Thank you very much for all the great reviews I´ve gotten so far. Thanks as well to my two lovely betas, Inge and Raven.**

**The title is You and Me by Rosie Thomas (who I adore).**

**You And Me**

Addison picked at her tuna sandwich, occasionally throwing crumbles into the trashcan not too far from her seat. She sat with her legs crossed, in the first row of the gallery above OR 1She was the only one occupying the gallery at 2.25am and honestly, she hadn´t thought about coming back to the hospital for at least one more day. Naturally of course the duties of the country´s best neurosurgeon called Derek back for a case and she´d come with him. This was why she was sitting in a barely lit gallery, eating food from the hospital´s vending machine while watching Derek operate on some guy´s brain, the patient who looked like he was her dad´s age. That´s what she guessed, at least. You never knew these days, though. On some days she felt older than she really was. She´d gone through quite a bit of drama, one could also say her life was a soap opera at times. She smiled at the thought of Hollywood calling her and wanting to negotiate about the filming rights. What would they call it? Who would they choose to play their Addison? Would they get George Clooney to take the part of Derek?

Her thoughts were interrupted by someone behind her clearing their throat. She turned around to see who had just entered the gallery, she smiled lightly when she saw the familiar face.

"Hey, Richard."

"Hi," he said quietly as if by talking louder he would hurt her. This had been why she had not wanted to tell people because they would start looking at her as if she was as fragile as glass. She wasn´t and she didn´t want to be looked at or treated as if she was. Everything was under her control and she could keep herself from breaking down as long as she could pretend everything was just as it had always been. She needed normalcy as much as she needed air to breath at this moment.

"What are you doing here? Aren´t you supposed to be at home?" He asked, as he folded his arms. Slowly, he walked over to her and took the seat next to her, looking at her profile as he waited for an answer.

She looked briefly at him before averting her eyes and pointing with her head towards Derek.

"We were, but then he got called in," she stated as if it was painfully obvious.

+8+8+8+8+

_Derek snuggled closer to Addison, as he lightly trailed his fingers down her side. He placed his arm next to her head as he leaned in to blow softly over her shoulder. Addison shivered but didn´t wake up. Derek repeated the action, this time, though, it caused Addison to stir, however, just like the last time, she wasn´t roused back to consciousness by it. Getting imaptient, Derek decided to try more drastic actions. He let his hand wander under the hem of her pajama shirt before his hand made his way up to her breasts. He cupped her right breast with his hand and brushed his thumb over her nipple. Addison moaned at that. And that was all. She was still sleeping, apparantly having one hell of a dream. Derek started nibbling at her neck._

"_Unbelievable," he muttered to himself._

_He removed his hand from her breast, which earned him a low moan of protest in return. His hand then slid down her body into her pajama buttoms. He brushed his thumb over her clit and started rubbing it in circles while planting kisses on her neck, and up to her ear._

_Addison´s breathing fastened and her eyes fluttered open when Derek whispered in her ear, "Addie, come for me."_

_Addison breathed unsteadily, moaning whenever his thumb´s rhythm moved faster or the pressure increased. She was close. Derek felt her come as she threw her head back against his shoulder and her thighs´ muscles tighened and her fingers grabbed the sheets around her._

_Derek´s hand settled on her hip, pulling her closer to him. He kissed her cheek and watched her come down from her high._

_After a few moments she turned in his arms so that she was now facing Derek. Placing her hands on his chest she brushed her lips softly over his._

"_Hey."_

"_Good morning, naughty," he joked, as he brushed his thumb over her lips._

_Addison chuckled and kissed his lips, jaw and neck before moving up to his ear._

"_Thanks for waking me up," she breathed huskily, "that way."_

_She let her hand wander down his body and just before she could slip it into his pants, his pager went off._

_Derek groaned loudly and let his head fall against the pillows._

"_Fuck."_

"_I wish, babe, but apparantly you´re needed elsewhere."_

"_I swear to God I´ll kill the person who has paged me if this isn´t a real emergency."_

_That said, he kissed her one last time before getting up and dressing so that he could leave for the hospital._

+8+8+8+8+

An akward silence settled between them. Richard didn´t know what to say. They had talked two nights ago and she´d explained everything. How she had found the lump, what her doctor had said and what she would do in case that it was cancer. They´d also talked about Derek briefly and what it was doing to him. She´d told him that she´ll go back to New York when the cancer tests come back positive. She hadn´t really talked about Derek´s part in all of this yet. She didn´t know if he went with her, should she go back. They hadn´t really avoided the subject, but they hadn´t talked more about what would happen if she had cancer anymore than they had that first night she´d told him. She knew he was there for her and he would be there to support her if she needed him. She just wasn´t sure she wanted him to give up his life in Seattle, where he appeared to be happy, to come back to New York, which was a place she knew he wasn´t to keen on ever being in again. She would let him choose, one way or the other, and she would accept his decision. Though she did hope that being with her was what he wanted in the end and more importantly that he would be willing to do it. She knew that going through with the oncology treatment would be like going through hell. That it would feel like someone was burning you on the inside and that it felt like you´re choking out the leftover, piece by piece. It would be just as hard for the bystanders, the loved ones, because they had to watch and be able to do nothing. No, she would let him choose.

She was so lost in thought that she didn´t hear Richard call out her name, only when he repeated as he spoke a little louder than before, did she hear him.

"Oh, what? Sorry." Addison averted her eyes from Derek and looked at Richard who was eyeing her intently, his inner turmoil mirrored by the look in his eyes.

"I was just saying that people have noticed and they are worried. I didn´t tell anyone, but maybe you should tell them." He paused for a moment. "Miranda, she´s actually told me you were here. Christina saw you enter and told Meredith, which was when Miranda overheard it. She wanted to go herself, but I was able to convince her to let me go in first. Though she is still very worried," he said that while laying one arm around her shoulders, "And there´s Mark. Not my most favourite person in the world but these last couple of days, he hasn´t been himself. He´s been rather quiet and let the interns actually do stuff other than pick-up jobs. No sexual jokes or inappropriet remarks. I noticed that he looks kind of sad."

Addison nodded lightly at that. She knew it was time to tell people, not all of them, but the most important like Miranda or Callie and mostly Mark. He was her best friend and he had always been there.

"Yeah, I guess I should."

Addison sighed, and stood up to throw her half eaten sandwich in a nearby trashcan. She glanced down at Derek one more time. He didn´t look up at that moment, he was too focused on saving the life of his patient. His eyes were fixed on the person´s brain on the table. She turned around to look at Richard, smiled as best as she could considering the circumstances and took a few steps towards him to place her hands on the either side of his face and a kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you, Richard," Addison said quietly,"for everything."

Richard nodded at her words and told her she was welcome and that he would be there if she ever needed him.

When the door to the gallery swung shut after Addison, Richard sighed deeply and put his head in his hands.

+8+8+8+8+

Addison had been walking towards the nurses´desk when she spotted both Miranda and Mark writing down notes in amicable silence. She approached them slowly, not knowing how exactly to break the news to them. She hadn´t heard from Dr. Philips yet, though he had said he would call today.

"Hey, shouldn´t you be both at home?" She smiled at Miranda who looked up at hearing Addison´s voice and returned the smile, though her eyes betrayed the ease of the exchange by mirroring the worry and curiousity she felt. Mark on the other hand didn´t look up from his chart. His immature behaviour just seemed to irritated Addison, but before she could act on her thoughts she was interrupted by Miranda.

"A surgeon´s life is anything but normal. But who am I telling this to?" She paused and looked Addison up and down, before she continued, "What about you? Shouldn´t you be wherever you´ve been the last couple of days?"

Addison laughed uneasily at Miranda´s words.

"Actually, that´s what I want to talk to you about."

She looked between Miranda and Mark. Miranda nodded that she was listening while Mark simply snorted, never once looking up from his chart.

Addison stared at him slowly getting more irritated.

"What?"

That´s when Mark looked up and stared straight into her eyes. He looked hurt and disappointed when he finally spoke slowly and clearly, "Nothing, Addison. Everything´s fine." He took the chart he had been scribbling down on in his hand and started to walk off before adding, "If you will excuse me, I have a patient to attend to."

Before he could go far, Addison grabbed his forearm and stopped him. He spun around and looked at her intensely.

"It´s the middle of the night!"

"So what? Other than certain surgeons in this hospital, I actually do my work," Mark hissed.

"I probably deserved that." Addison was quiet for a moment, looking down at her hand on his arm. "But Mark..."

"Mark what, Addison?"

"I just..." Addison couldn´t speak further than that. She was well aware of the fact that once she told him about the possibility of her having cancer fact, he would feel terrible and it would break his heart just like it had been with Derek and Richard. She didn´t want him to go through all that. Especially since she wasn´t even sure yet if the lump was cancer.

"Where have you been, Addison?" Mark asked quietly and a lot softer than before, seeing the tears welling up in Addison´s eyes diminished his anger.

"Home."

"So what´s this about then? Honeymooning with your ex-husband or finalizing moving plans? I asked Richard where you both were and he had just told me that you were dealing with personal issues. Personal issues, Addison? I used to be part of this," Mark pointed between Addison and himself. "We used to share our lives, the good and the bad. There is something going on with you and I´m clearly not invited. It feels like I´m the only one who is still paying for everything. I mean I get it, I´m the bastard who screwed my best friend´s wife, but I lost a lot, too. You guys weren´t just my friends, you were my freakin´ family. I may have lost all rights with Derek, but I though things with us were different. I thought you were my best friend." Mark shook his head before looking back at her and asking bitterly, "Are we still friends, Addison?"

Mark had to fight back the urge to embrace and console her when he saw the first tears running down her cheeks.

"Yes," she said quietly.

"Then what is going on?"

"I have a lump in my right breast," Addison admitted finally in a trembling voice.

As soon as the words left her mouth, Mark swore that the world stopped around him. There was a deadly silence hovering over their heads and a numbness he had never felt in his life before, not even when she had left him in New York, took over his body. It was only him and her in that moment, together in that sterile hospital corridor so far away from home. He stared at her, processing the news and life altering importnace they held. The tears ran down her cheeks more freely now. She had a lump in her breast. Was it...

"Is it cancer?"

Addison looked up down at first and then up into his eyes, shaking her head lightly she said quietly, "I don´t know yet. My doctor said he would call me as soon as he knew."

Mark nodded, not knowing what to say. His head was a mess. He had a million questions and a billion things to say, but no words to form sentences that could even begin to describe any of it. He was shocked, speechless and scared.

Mark took a step towards her and hugged her tightly. Resting his head on her shoulder he caressed her lower back with one and her head with the other hand. Addison was silently trembling as sobs overtook her and Mark tried his best to steady her. During these last couple of days he had thought about quite a few possible scenarios that could explain the lack of appearance of the former Drs. Shepherd, from eloping to moving back to New York. They all felt like thorns poking his flesh and psych, but the hurt and disappointment he felt before, couldn´t even nearly describe what he was feeling now. Infinte emptiness.

"It´s going to be okay. Everything´s going to be okay. We need you. Derek and me. We´re going to pull through this together."

He felt her nod against his chest and Mark pressed a kiss against her forehead.

Unbeknownst to them, Miranda Bailey had heard everything that had just been said and had lost the battle against her tears a few moments ago. She grabbed the desk for support, closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

+8+8+8+8+

Addison opened the door to the attendings´ locker room and stepped inside. After telling Mark, she had decided to lay down for a little while. Mark had brought her to the nearest on call room and stayed until she was breathing steadily and sleeping. She had woken up about an hour later. She slowly got up, her muscles aching and her vision still slightly blurry, she pulled on her shoes and left the room. Hoping to find Derek, she went to the locker room. Right now she needed nothing more than a hug from the one person she loved most.

"Hey, sexy," Addison said flirtiously, though her voice was still a little weaker than normally. Derek was standing in front of his locker, bare chest and scrub top in hand.

He smiled at her, coming closer to kiss her softly on the lips.

"Hey. I didn´t see you at the end anymore."

Derek put his scrub top in his locker and reached for his dress shirt. Addison came closer and leanded against the locker next to Derek´s. She let her right hand slip through his unruly hair and rest on his shoulder.

"I went to see Mark."

Derek only nodded at her words, trying his best not to be affected by the mentioning of his former best friend´s name.

"Richard told me that he wasn´t doing so well and I thought it was time to tell him. We´re friends," Addison said quietly, recalling their conversation from earlier and his words.

"So, you did tell him." Derek paused for a moment, as he put a hand on her hip to pull her closer. "How did he..."

Addison shrugged and averted her eyes from his and stared at the floor. Derek moved his hand up her body to rest on her cheek and brushed his lips softly over his. With his other hand he searched the locker for something he wanted to show her. When he couldn´t find it without looking for it, he distanced himself from her and looked through the locker, hoping to find what he wanted to.

"What are you searching for?" Addison asked curiously.

Derek simply shrugged and stated, "Just a moment, babe."

It took him a few more seconds to find what he was searching for. He looked at her briefly and told her to close her eyes.

"Aw, do I get a present? It´s not my birthday, you know. But I love..." He silenced her with a kiss. Before she could deepen it, he pulled back, away from her lips.

"Is that my present?" She licked her lips seductively. "I like it. Do it again."

Derek smirked and said, "Well, part of it, I guess."

He reached behind him and showed her two American Airlines plane tickets. She looked at him curiously. Derek smiled at her facial expression and brushed his lips over hers again.

"I just thought since we´re getting to know the results today..."

Derek was interrupted by the ringing of Addison´s cell phone. Addison looked at the caller ID and read it out loud,

"Dr. Philips."

Addison sighed deeply as she stared at her blinking phone. Derek rubbed his hand up and down her arm.

"You ready?"

"How could I possibly be?" Addison averted her eyes from the screen to look Derek in the eyes before answering the call.

"Hello." Addison continued to look Derek in the eyes as she spoke to Dr. Philips on the phone. "Yes that´s her."

"Yes...okay...yes...yes." Addison´s eyes started to water and Derek´s heart to break piece by piece. He couldn´t hear what the doctor was telling his ex-wife. He saw the tears that started to stream down her face.

"Okay...thanks...Bye."

Addison ended the call, sighing deeply as she wiped away her tears. She looked at Derek and smiled as best as she could.

"So?" Derek asked anxiously.

"It´s a cyst," she chocked out between sobs, "it´s just a cyst."

Derek looked at her incrediously while processing what she had just said. Moments later he enveloped her in a tight hug, burying his nose in her perfect red hair. When he leaned back he brought one hand to either side of her face and covered her lips with his. The kiss was deep and long, full of every single emontion they had both felt these last couple of days. Anger. Desperation. Hope. Faith. And now relief. Nothing but unlimited relief. They laughed lightly, foreheads pressed against each other.

"It´s just a cyst," He echoed her earlier words and kissed her once more.

They stayed that way for a few moments, enjoying the importance of this moment.

"What are you going to do with the tickets now?" Addison joked breathily.

Derek chuckled and replied sheepishly, "Look at them."

Addison opened one. She was so amazed at what she read that her jaw dropped before, mouth slightly ajar, she spoke again, "Paris? The tickets are for Paris?"

Derek nodded enthusiastically and smiled brightly at the happiness in her eyes.

"Sometimes it´s faith that helps fate know what the right path is."

Addison stared at him in amazement and hugged him tightly, pressing many soft kisses against his cheek and neck.

"Are you ready for Paris, Miss?" Derek asked happily.

Grinning as brightly as she could, Addison replied sincerely, "You bet."

-The End-

**That´s it. That´s how I had it planned for quite a while. I´d have to lie if I wanted to tell you I had this planned since I started it, though. Addison and Derek are my OTP on Grey´s. I love them so much that one could call it suicide considering that Shonda refuses to see the appeal and advantage of the hotness that is Addek. Therefore I depend on all of you Addek fans to write fanfiction and at least keep them alive in fanon. Thanks. ;)**

**And now, review, please.**

**-Kerstin**


End file.
